Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Idea of the "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"

I don't know if you watched the video in my post two days ago, but I HIGHLY recommend doing so before you read this, just so you understand where I am coming from. If you have watched it, then read on!

This is for all the crazy ex-girlfriends in the world. You know who you are, and most of us have been stamped with that inglorious name due to some random childish behavior. We have called too many times and hung up. (DAMN YOU, CALLER ID!) We have driven past his work to see if he is REALLY there. We have gotten insanely jealous of something that really meant nothing. (This, by the way, is how we ended up being the crazy EX girlfriend.) Too often we are all lumped into a category of mentally unstable and prone to fits of rage through no one's fault but our own. All stereotypes are made from an element of truth, and this is no exception. Many a male friend has asked me what the "deal" is with crazy behaviors like these, and I have to be honest, I rarely have a legitimate answer. So, like anyone that would want an answer, I went to someone that just may have it: my fiance. What makes him the source of all things female in my life? He is the youngest of 3 children, both of his elder siblings being of the female persuasion. So he got to see the teenage and young adult craziness at it's finest.

"I think it's the rather fun combination of societal programming, immaturity, insecurity and emotional thinking that forms the 'crazy-quilt' of young women in relationships. There is no one thing, it's just a stew of hot molten psycho. "

First off you have got to LOVE the term "crazy-quilt". I am adopting it as my own, thank you very much.

"It's happened to every girl I have ever known between the ages of 14 and 22."

This caused me to look back on my own self-made quilt of crazy. Sadly, I have to admit it's true. Looking back at my teenage and younger adult years, I was ripe with insecurity and acted in such a fashion that makes me cringe today. I know I have called so many times that my fingers hurt. And I know I have attempted to control situations that had nothing to do with me. So, why? Why would I put myself through that sort of hell, knowing full well that it will end badly if I keep it up? But that compulsion to know his every move just tugged at my stomach, causing me to press onward.

Now, I know that my mother cautioned my against this manic behavior, telling me that it would lead to disaster, but I knew better. (Lord, don't we all at that age?) I "knew" that if I gave him an inch of space that he would abandon me. Just like I "knew" that if I let him hang out with his friends, he would cheat on me. Oddly enough, this is just a self-fullfiling prophecy. The more we put that stranglehold on them, the further they run. There is such pressure early on in our lives to find a man and settle down. The best I can say is that the pressure cracks us when we are young and trying to MAKE it happen.

This is all well and good if you are 16, 17, 18, 19, etc, but what if you 26 and still pulling this garbage? That's where the problem lies. If you FREAK when you can't reach him and decide that he is OBVIOUSLY screening your calls and is breaking up with you, so you go out, get wasted and sleep with some other guy, there may be a problem. (I'm just sayin'!) This is the behavior that so many men loathe. This is what keeps them thinking that we are all the "crazy ex-girlfriend". (By the way, if he breaks up with you, going to his favorite hang out so you can "accidentally" bump into him is a really bad idea. DO NOT DO IT!) The trick to this is you can't make someone like you more than they do. If they are going to like you more, they have to come to it on their own. Calling them 97 times a day and hanging up, or "randomly" showing up at their house with a plate of their favorite meal is creepy, not cute. If you have to ask your ALL of your friends to find one that thinks what is most obviously a bad idea is a good idea, you should likely avoid said idea at all costs.

We all just want them to like us, but they will never like you if you aren't you. You are NOT a girl that sits by her phone, waiting for him to call, just in case he wants to hang out. If you are that girl, stop being that girl. He isn't calling for a reason. You have to be interesting on your own. Get a hobby. I don't care what it is. There are so many things to learn in this world. If you aren't into socializing, learn knitting or crochet. Okay, this isn't the coolest of hobbies, but it's something, right? I guess my point is, you aren't going to attract a man with a butterfly net and pin him down. You need to attract a man with who you ARE, and if even you don't like it, they why should he? There is a cool girl in all of us, we just need to find her and take her out for a spin. So go find YOUR inner cool girl and take her for a ride. You just may like who she is more than you thought!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

What We Will Be Chatting About Tomorrow...

Watch this and learn!

Tomorrow we tackle passionate people and the need to listen




Monday, August 10, 2009

Love is NOT a Battlefield (Or a Game for that Matter)

We all know the infamous 80's anthem by Pat Benatar, crying out "We are young, heartache to heartache we stand! No promises, no demands...love is a battlefield." If that wasn't enough, Jordin Sparks has gotten into the game, declaring that "You better go and get your armor." There is a distinct problem with this though, love isn't supposed to be a battlefield, love is not a war. Love is supposed to enrich our lives, making us joyful for each day. Love should bring joy, not a tear. If love is hurting, I hate to say it, but you're doing something very wrong.


Everyday should not start with a fight, or turn into a fight, and if it does, it is time to figure out why. If there is love, there should be patience. If your partner is tired and stressed and snaps at you, it may not be in your best interest to start a fight over their attitude. Look deeper. How is work for them? Are there familial issues? Are they in pain? There can be any number of reasons for their behavior, but you can bet that the aim is not to inflict pain on you. If you listen to these songs, you may miss out on the bigger picture, the actual problem.


As an added bonus, I thought I may address another problem I have seen with younger girls and romance, that love is a game. I cannot stress how wrong this is. To use someone's heart or emotions for personal gain is immoral! How would you feel if someone manipulated you to get their way? If you are using your "wiles" to get your family, boyfriend, girlfriend or anyone to react a certain way, you are playing their love for you like it was a game.


You can watch any number of romantic comedies that have the heroine using her God-given assets to play men like puppets. Don't know what I am talking about? Go watch "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" and carefully watch Amy Adams character, Delysia. She flits from man to man using sex to get her apartment from one man and a part in a play from another man. She got so deep at climbing the metaphorical ladder, that she almost misses the forest for the trees. If someone becomes so obsessed with getting what they think they want, they may miss the chance to get what they need.


Deep down, people are "pack animals", we crave closeness to others like us, to manipulate those around you may lead to a deeper loneliness than any of us can comprehend. Be kind to those that you love, in all ways. Be understanding, because you never know when you will be having a bad day. The last thing you will want is to have to go and get YOUR armor.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The "C" Word

Sooner or later, this happens to almost all of us. We are floating through our lives as normal, content in our existence, when our partner uses five little words. "I slept with someone else". And in that moment, the universe cracks. Five words ago, everything was fine. Five words ago, I knew my heart was beating. Now what? Now, with a stunned look upon your face, you feel as though you can barely breathe. The damage is done. Where do you go from here? How do you look that person in the eyes anymore? How do you even go to sleep in the same bed? Can you? Is it possible to forgive such a heinous transgression? That answer can only be found by digging into your relationship. Some of the answers aren't pretty, but to heal, you have to know.


1) How long have you been together? Has it been a month, a year, a decade? This matters. If it's only been a month in the relationship and already they are involved with someone else on a physical level, then is it even worth patching up? The emotional tie isn't as strong as someone that has been together for nearly a decade. For that you have to weigh the pros and cons. You also have to ask yourself the next question.


2) How long has this been going on? Was it a one time screw up? Is it an affair with all the emotional tangles that go hand in hand with that? If it is only once, and you have history, then therapy may be in order (as well as time to heal so you can eventually forgive). Sometimes partners mess up big, but if there is an affair with someone that they have been involved with for any length of time, the questions get even harder.


3) Were they safe? Even if they say they were, please please please get tested right away at your physicians office. I cannot stress the importance of that. You have no idea what kind of person they may or may not have been with, and it is in your best interest to give yourself peace of mind.


4) Were you even emotionally well matched to begin with? There is the chance that you may not have even been right for each other, and that is what prompted them to stray. They may feel unsatisfied, hell you may be unsatisfied. That is in no way an excuse for the behavior, but it is a reason and an excellent jumping off point for the healing process.


5) Can you forgive them? You may think you can, but if you look as them and all you think is what happened you need to consider the idea that you may not be able to get over it. If that is that case, a trial separation and therapy may work. It is a huge emotional task to begin to forgive someone for that sort of betrayal, but if you want to make it work, it is possible.


If you have considered the idea of cheating on your partner, think of this question for yourself: Are you prepared to inflict that kind of damage for someone you care about? If you are no longer emotionally invested in the relationship, please consider telling them. In the grand scheme of things, breaking it off would be like yanking off a Band-Aid where an infidelity would be open heart surgery without anesthesia. This is someone you care/ed about. Heartache is easier to get over than heartbreak. You owe it to them to be honest.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Importance of "Me" Before "We"

We are all guilty of it, being relationship crazy before our parents can even utter the word "hormone". We rush into the first relationship that we can, then break up over some nonsense, and wash, rinse, repeat. The stress we put on the "we" is astounding. Too often we are looking for our soul mate before we even know how we take our coffee. Girls desperately want to be a part of a whirlwind romance, losing ourselves in the idea of love rather than actually falling in love.


Most girls start dating in high school, and I am not saying there is anything wrong with that. Hell, I did that. Girls will spend most of high school worrying about if their boyfriend is cheating on them, or if their crush is interested, or crying in the bathroom because she is going through a break up. High school is a time for self discovery, not for the never ending tragedy that is young romance. When we are young, we don't even know the characteristics we value in our friends, let along someone we are dating.


For the record, I am not saying that we shouldn't date in high school. On the contrary, actually. I am saying we SHOULD date, and date a lot! The more people you know, the better you know yourself. If you pigeon hole yourself to one person all through high school, you miss knowing what you like to do, the things you enjoy, and even learning what you want to be! You find yourself creating all of your plans on the idea of spending time with someone, waiting to make plans with friend on the weekend so you know what "we" are doing. You then find yourself applying to the same school to be close to one another. Let look at the truth here, how many people actually stay together for a long while after high school? No one I know, and certainly not me.


By equally distributing your time with friends and different guys, you learn more about yourself. You find yourself being more involved in life, even learning who is worth spending time with. To learn your own personal strengths and weaknesses is one of the most important lessons we can learn before we decide to commit to one person.


Take a breath, and take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Like it or not, this is who you are stuck with until the day you die, you may as well know her. After all, she will be your best friend.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

When It's Time To Leave, Just Leave

For me the hardest part of any relationship is knowing when enough is enough. Every partnership can have it's breaking point. When both people have been wracking their brains on how to make it work for months, even years, on end, then it may be time to part ways. This is never an easy thing to do, and it rarely is pretty. Some girls say that they want to remain friends with their exes, but that cannot always be the case. Sometimes the hurt is just too bad and you cannot forget that easily.


But how do you know when enough is enough? How do you know that it isn't a copout? Look back on your relationship, no matter then length, and it will be easier to tell than you may care to admit. The fights have progressively increased, getting more and more resentful over time. Your partner cannot meet your needs and you feel jilted. There can be a skewed amount of effort (one person trying harder than the other), and it weighs on them. If you feel that you have given all you can possibly give, and feel tapped out, it is likely time to move on to greener pastures.


So you decide its time to make a graceful exit, but how do you do that? Some say break it off quick, like removing a band-aid, and I tend to agree. Be honest about your feelings, but be tactful. This is someone that you once loved. You may even still love them, so to leave with kindness is the best way.


DO NOT BREAK UP IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS:


1 - Over an e-mail. This is cruel and impersonal. If you have even been so intimate as to kiss the other person, then you owe them an face to face explanation.


2 - Over a text message. This is even worse. You couldn't so much as take the time to turn on your computer to tell them the truth, you hid behind your phone.


3 - On Facebook/MySpace/Twitter. Do I really need to say that announcing your break up to the whole world BEFORE you have even told your partner is a bad idea? Yeah, I didn't think so.


4 - Have you friend, tell his friend, tell him. Too many times I have heard of spineless women start a game of telephone to break up with their boyfriends.


As a side note, a simple rule of thumb: If you don't have the strength to be honest and break up face to face, then don't date until you do. Life if full of unpleasantness, and hiding from it does not simply make it disappear. We all have to face life head on, because we only get one chance. There is no do-over.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Thing About Excuses

In today's society, divorce is not only an option, its sadly more commonplace. People don't work as hard at staying together anymore, the moment there is even a tiny bit of resistance, we throw in the towels and call out the lawyers. It's tragic. It would be different if there were real issues, like someone was a habitual cheater or abusive in some way. It's not though. Things like money being tight or hating our jobs drive us from one another. We gave up before it even got tough. What does that mean for us as people? So what if you hate your job? I haven't met a single person that hasn't hated their job at one time or another. Money problems are something that almost everyone has to contend with, grown ups have debt. Big shocker there I know.


What is the point of all this? Simple really. We have turned in to people that make excuses to not try. Trying is hard, and can get ugly. It's easier to roll over and play dead than to sweat through the issues at hand. TALK IT OUT! If you are at the point in your relationship that you are deeply committed to one another, be it through marriage, living with one another or even with children, for the benefit of all involved, try to work it out. Nine times out of ten, issues can be worked through. If the problems run deep, it's okay to enlist the help of a professional. Therapists are not satan. They will not steal your soul then turn around and sell it on the black market to any idiot with a credit card. They are here to help. Sometimes just talking about your problems with someone removed from the situation can put things back in perspective, make things less scary.


Now, maybe I sound a little preachy, but I cannot stand to hear one more person tell me that they can't make their marriage work cause they are "tired of the stress" or "money is too tight" or "all we do is fight." I am not trying to say these aren't real problems, they are. These are not marriage ending problems that can never be worked through. These are not deal breakers.


Take a breath. Take a moment. Close your eyes. Remember why you started this journey in the first place. You may be glad that you did. There is someone that made you start down this path, get that in your mind before you go all in and you fold. Life is not a game of poker. You can't just walk away from the table when you are done losing. Sometimes you have to trudge through the bad to get to the good again. Life doesn't have a do-over, and there is no restart. It's time that we stop looking for the easy way out. It's time that we look to our grandparents, back when divorce wasn't an everyday word. Back when the vow meant something. Trying to make the little things make sense doesn't hurt, in fact, at this point it can only help.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Why Overboard is Underrated

You and your other have had a disagreement, over what it doesn't matter, but suffice to say that you haven't been giving them what they need to be happy. You vow to do better... but how? So you sit and think, as most women do...then you think and think and think and think. For good measure, you think some more. What did he MEAN?


Let's say that you aren't really what you would call a morning person...okay, that may be a bit of an understatement, you're really more of a zombie. So you wake up in a blur and you stumble through your morning in a series of grunts and nods. Your other on the other hand, is a bit better in the mornings. Without realizing it, you sit across from him, in his direct line of sight, and you never say good morning. Not even a nod or a grunt, just nothing. Well, he lets the day go by, and sits down with you that night and tells you he would really appreciate it if you acknowledged him a bit more when you woke up. He goes to bed, satisfied that he told you what was on his mind, you, on the other hand, stay awake.


While awake, you wonder, what does he actually mean? You examine the situation closely, turning it on every angle, thinking about the possibilities of each word. Could it mean that he just wants a simple kiss good morning? No, that can't be it, who would complain about that? Maybe he needs some doting. That sounds a little better. What if I made breakfast? Getting warmer... Cereal? No, anyone can make cereal! I'll make some eggs and bacon, toast with butter and coffee! I can do that EVERY morning, no problem!!


From there you drift asleep, happy with the changes you have set out to make. In the morning, your rise, your grand intentions still in your head. Off to the kitchen! You whip up a great breakfast which is met was a warm response. You have done well...


Or have you?


You have to refer to Occam's razor, which says, "all things being equal, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one." That isn't to say the effort isn't wonderful or appreciated, but it does pose a quandary, your intention to cook breakfast everyday (or whatever your personal situation may be) is very sweet, but unrealistic. People revert to old habits when setting lofty goals. You would be better suited to start small (ie - give that good morning kiss and have a little chat) rather than jump to big breakfast every morning. You will get bored, and you will stop doing this, only exacerbating the problem at hand: You aren't giving him the attention he needs in the morning.


No need to read between the lines with everything he said. It's pretty clear he just needs acknowledgement. Going overboard in situations like these only breeds more resentment in the end when the new GRANDER habit wears off. Besides, a little appreciation (and a little consideration) go a long way.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Know What You Want and Admit When They Aren't It

It's okay to admit that someone you love isn't the person you should be with. In fact, it takes a strong person to realize that love, no matter how much of it there is, may not be enough. It happens sometimes, in fact most relationships work that way. If that weren't the case, then we would all marry our first loves, true? The fact is, people change every day. We get new goals, new dreams and that may pull us in a different directions, and that fine. The hard part is knowing what you want and when the person you are with won't be the right one once you get there.


To know what you want from life is key to knowing who is right for you. So great, you all have the same tastes in movies and music, but what does that mean in the grand scheme of things? Its wonderful to have similar interests with the person you with, it's a great jumping off point, but like anything else in life, it just isn't that simple. There has to be more that just those interests. Things like children are far more important to discuss, because the last thing you want is to marry a man that wants seven kids when you barely even thought that having one was a good idea. And if you decide that you DO want kids, how do you want to raise them, in what religion, do you want private schooling, home schooling? You have to be unafraid to talk about hot button topics, things that can get ugly sometimes. People get scared to talk politics, religion, sex, abortion, and the death penalty; but it is SO important to know that even if you have differing views that you can live with their ideals and they can life with yours. Make sure you are clear before you decide to commit and it gets harder to get out.


So what if they have strong feelings on a subject that you just can't abide by (and not just "OMG!! He ACTUALLY likes :insert band name here:!!!! I just can't DEAL with that!), something that really bothers you to your core, you need to be honest with yourself. My uncle gave me some of the best advice I ever received about love and dating: "If you can't see yourself marrying him, then don't waste each others time." I know it's harsh, but it has been my guiding star through adolescence and into adulthood.


Be honest with yourself, and be honest with him. Don't lie about what you believe in just to be with him, because in the end it won't do either of you any good. If you have any questions on YOUR relationship, send them to:


thereisnoprince@hotmail.com

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Mom Always Said Fight Nicely - Part 2

I was surprised when I realized how much I had to say on this topic. I suppose it's important to say that it is in my nature to be argumentative, and it has taken me years to try and break the habit. There is never perfection in this, and it will take the rest of my life to be better. With that in mind, I have always had a few simple beliefs when it comes to any argument, and I honestly think that these help the situation. These are just some personal rules I have set in order to attempt to better a crappy situation:


1) Do not fight in your bed room. Whether it be on the phone or in person, a fight needs to stay out of the place where you rest your head. If you argue where you sleep, it keeps the one room in the whole house that ought to be a sanctuary from actually being a safe place. Everybody needs a place where there can be peace. Fights are not so important that they have to take over your whole life. If there are children in your home, send them to their rooms, without showing that there is a problem, and quietly shut the doors. Which brings me to:


2) Don't let your children see you fight. It is VERY important that children don't have a reason to believe that there is unrest in their homes. Children don't speak about familial issues, and the last thing a child needs is to internalize feelings. This creates a whole mess of issues that they will need a therapist to sort out.


3) Try not to go to bed angry. I cannot express the importance of this one enough. Extreme emotions at bed time can cause a whole litany of problems from nightmares to ulcers. It's bad enough to to have a fight at all, but to take it to bed with you is too much. Some will say "The fight late at night, I can't finish it before I go to bed" or "I had work in the morning, I needed to sleep". This isn't true. The fact of the matter is you have the option to stay awake to try to resolve it. One hour less sleep may be worth a little peace of mind.


4) Forgive! You may be surprised that I have to bring this one up at all, but it's true. Many people cannot forgive the tiniest of errors. If a sincere apology has been made, accept it. In the end, both people involved will feel better, and the fight will end even quicker. There is no use in dragging things on forever, it's important to know when to let your anger go. The most important thing I can say to this is that everyone is guilty of having dragging these things out longer than they ought to be. Remember that the other person is just human and has feelings just like you. Wouldn't you want forgiveness if you apologized?


I know I have probably said enough on this already, spending nearly 2 pages writing on this topic, and it can be a bit of a downer. I also know I will likely revisit different aspects of this, because people have questions and everyone is different in the way they argue. I haven't said this before, but if anyone has any ideas they want to see here, e-mail me, I am up for talking about whatever anyone wants to hear. Until tomorrow!

Mom Always Said Fight Nicely - Part 1

Well, it was bound to happen. You have had a "fight" with someone you love, be it a friend, boyfriend, husband, wife, mother or father. The most important thing to understand is that every healthy relationship has fights. I know we all know someone that says "But me and (insert significant others name here) never fight." One of two things is possible here:


1) They are lying to you. That's right...l-y-i-n-g. Some people cannot STAND to lose face and will say the most insane thing to make you believe that they have a fairy tale life. They do not have a fairy tale life. All people

have problems, just some worse than others.


or


2) They actually don't fight. Contradicts #1, huh? Let me get a little more involved here. If they don't fight, they aren't communicating. Lack of communication is a relationship killer. In fact, in my own opinion, it can be the number one relationship killer. If you aren't telling your partner what is bothering you, how can they know? Right? Right.


It is natural to argue with people you love. People do it everyday. The key is to not let certain things happen when you are arguing. First, when someone else starts an argument either by pointing something out that you do that they don't like or even by a difference of opinion, try not to take it personal. It's important to try and remember it isn't a fight. Tell yourself that it is an argument. This will help keep you in a clear state of mind. Keep and even keel and try regulating the tone of your voice. Yelling will only exacerbate the situation.


Sometimes, this isn't possible, things escalate on their own and the argument morphs into a full blown fight for whatever reason. You have to remember that this person loves you, and though they may be saying things you don't like at this moment, this doesn't change who they are to you. The more passionate you are about the topic at hand, the harder this can be. The most important thing to think of is that this is occurring with absence of malice. Now, what does that mean exactly? It means that no matter what they are saying or even how they are saying it that they are not trying to be hurtful. Most likely they are as frustrated as you are, and whatever you are feeling is exactly what you are feeling.


It's entirely possible that at this point they are just trying to "win" the fight. People instinctively want to win. The thing to remember is that when it comes to fighting with your loved one, no one wins. It's less important to emerge the victor by clever wordplay or adequately placed blame on the other party than it is to end the fight. And really, how can you win when you know someone you love is now hurting over something you've said. Most fights really start for stupid reasons anyway, like saying "I hate when you smack your gum like that". No one can be "right" in a situation like that, because there is no real "right", there is only an opinion. In the end, whatever the reason the fight began, the reason it escalated and continued is the fault of BOTH parties involved. It takes two to tango, and you just can't fight with yourself without looking really strange. The concept of laying blame is the biggest cause for these things dragging on, and really, in the end does it MATTER who was at fault? Does knowing who is to blame fix anything? It is better to accept your own fault. Apologize. Always apologize. Recognize what you did to hurt the other person even if you didn't start it, because you can never move forward if there is an open wound.


Thursday, July 30, 2009

Men Have Feelings?...Who Knew?

The thought came to me earlier this week as I was listening to my assorted girlfriends complain about how their respective men don't think about their feelings, that maybe we don't really consider the feelings of any of the men in our lives. Fathers, brothers, uncles, nephews, boyfriends and husbands, they all get to be victim of our accidental preoccupation with our feelings. Now, it's true that we are far better equipped to deal with letting emotions out into the world, but that simply does not mean that men don't feel at all. Little time passes in my life without hearing another friend complain about how her boyfriend doesn't care about her feeeeelings, or think about her feeeeelings, or ask her how she feeeeeels. Well, enough already. The table has turned ladies, it's time to think that maybe underneath the existing "rugged" and "manly" exterior there is someone who may honestly feeeeeel someway about something and you never bothered to ask.


News Flash!


The sensitive man exists...even if he may be in hiding. So let's think about this a little bit and consider the facts. When we are little girls, we are told to be honest. If something bothers you, just share it. You get a knee scrape and it hurts, it's okay to cry. It's okay because you're a girl, and girls are supposed to cry. That's just how these things work. Little boys, on the other hand (unless raised by a very nurturing mother, mind you) are told to "buck up" or "suck it up, boy, be a man." How can someone honestly think telling a sad four year old boy to "be a man" is a good idea? Did people really think that this wouldn't cause emotional damage to people? Now what we have is a bunch of grown men that instead of communicating what they feel, decide to pound it out in the gym or throw a few back with the boys. Then get rowdy and stupid until someone gets hurt which only results in the mocking the hurt person, telling them to "suck it up". Truly, a very vicious cycle.


This next part is aimed at all of the men that read this, even the ones that won't admit it. Big news, boys, it is okay to feel and/or cry if something bothers you. To be honest, I am not saying it's okay to cry about every little thing like you're watching "The Notebook", but still, if your dog dies or something awful happens it will not kill you to let it out by telling someone what's going on. Contrary to popular belief, women are NOT mind readers, so we may not actually be able to tell that when you are stomping around being somber and angry that there may be an actual issue. You have to tell us. Sometimes, just sometimes, we can give you a perspective that may change the way you see the problem. Maybe even help you solve it. We are generally pretty decent comforters as well, so just keep that in mind.


This is for the ladies: STOP EXPECTING YOUR MAN TO READ YOUR MIND! There, I said it. Damn...someone had to. I hate hearing about all of these relationship problems that we all have. We are constantly BEGGING our men to communicate with us, when we are just as guilty when it comes to telling them when there is a genuine problem. If he is doing something that annoys the hell out of you, tell him. If you had a rough day at work and need some quiet time, TELL HIM! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT proceed to sigh and roll your eyes. Most of all, do not say the dreaded phrase "if you don't know, then why should I tell you". Good lord, do you know how childish that sounds? This phrase that we are all guilty of using every once in a while is HURTFUL. This causes pain and confusion to someone that you say you love. That, ladies, is the opposite of good.


Long story short here, you have to think about what you feel when someone does something. If it hurts, try and make a point not to do it to someone else. Everyone has feels, even if they aren't the best at communicating that fact. Remember the golden rule, "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you". Follow that simple rule, and you will never go wrong.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Cow, The Free Milk, and Why That's Bull


When I was young, I heard the phrase "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". I don't remember who told it to me, but it rings in my head. I have since heard this same phrase many times. Now I don't want to leave anyone in the dark, so lets break this thing down for you:


The first part of the phrase, "why buy the cow", translates roughly into "why marry the woman". The latter part of this, "when you can get the milk for free", basically means, "if she is going to have sex with you anyway". So let's look at this logically, women are cows. Awesome. I mean, honestly, what is this, 1900 and do I come with a dowery? I hope I am worth a decent plot of land, maybe some chickens or a sheep too...but i digress. What the hell is this teaching us? At an early age we are taught to believe that our self worth is dependent on if we are virgins or not. Now, this was all well and good when times were different, but with birth control and a more sexually liberal society, this is simply not the case anymore.


This also implies that men only get married for sex. That isn't so. Men have just as many emotional needs as women do, but they don't communicate them as much, and many times they don't even understand that they exist. It's more appropriate to say that men don't "get" their feelings as well as women do, so a lot of times they don't even know what's bothering them. For as many stigmas as there are for women, we have to consider the opposite is true for men, even just in the case of this one phrase. It makes women feel like they are only good for one thing and it makes men believe the same thing about themselves.


So what if there is a middle ground? What if, God FORBID, sex is important to women (GASP) and that having an emotionally fulfilling and meaningful connection is important for men. We take these archaic sayings and we repeat them, even in jest, and we perpetuate the cycle of believing that men are supposed to be stoic and unfeeling while women are supposed to be pure and virginal. Look around, this isn't the case anymore. Sage advice isn't to be found in the tired cliches of yesteryear.


As far as I can tell, women aren't waiting at home for the phone to ring with their hair in curlers. As women, I would like to think that we have evolved from that point in history. We no longer have to put up with a chauvinistic view on ourselves, we can rewrite what is thought of us. I, for one, do not want to have my granddaughter looking back at me thinking "how could she have let people treat her that way". The door swings both ways on this too. Men, you don't always have to be the problem solvers, the hunters, the big strong heros. You are allowed to feel things. Not all men are the same, contrary to popular belief. Not all men can be that strong, and conversely, not all women can stand idly by and wait for their lives to happen. You just need to be looking for your counter-part. Not necessarily someone that is that same as you, but someone that compliments who you are. Time to put the cliches where they came from, in the past.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Truth In Advertising


...we interrupt this blog for an important message...



Let's talk about the importance of honesty. Too often I hear stories of women acting like someone they are not in order in impress a man that may not like the real them. First date honesty is something that a lot of us don't think about. To many women, the idea of putting their best foot forward involves a convoluted back story of a woman that they most certainly are not. I know that I am guilty of doing this. You want to be cooler than you are, hotter, more attractive. But where does that get us? 6 months later and the truth comes out. If you are a girl that likes her sweatpants better than a skirt, or someone that likes ice cream more than salad, then don't present an incorrect picture. Don't show up to your first date in a mini skirt and killer heels and then just order a smattering of food (oh, no desert for me please, I'm stuffed) if you are just going to go home and be a different girl.


We prance around being perfect little women, doting on the men and falling all over them. If that isn't who you are, then who benefits from the lie? You have presented a false image, someone that does not exist, someone that you say that you are but most certainly are not. Once again, I will refer to movies. We see caricatures of the women we are supposed to be, starting further back than June Cleaver and even making appearances in T.V. and movies alike today.


I saw "The Ugly Truth" this weekend, and I have to say you can lose the message in that movie. Mike, the male lead played by Gerard Butler, is a supposed misogynist "educating" women on how to draw men in. Abby, the female lead played by Katherine Heigl, the over-neuortic control freak forced to work with him. Long story short she meets a man and has no idea how to get him, so Mike offers to help her catch him. WIth a little makeover Mike makes Abby a whole new girl. He tells her that men want women to be two people in one "the librarian and the stripper". She tries and it works! Then the crisis...(and if you haven't seen this movie yet, you may want to read on the next paragraph cause there is some serious spoiler alerting happening here) does this man that Abby wanted so badly actually like her, or just the presentation he was given. So she asks, and doesn't like the answer she gets. He likes that she doesn't need to control everything in her life, and with a heavy sigh, she tells him the truth. Long story short, you can't live the lie forever.


The fact of the matter is if he falls for you when you are someone you aren't, he's going to be confused when you flip the switch, and how is that fair? As far as I know, we all get pretty annoyed when a man presents one version of himself, but turns out to be a completely different person. Same thing applies to the reverse.


The truth is, there has to be truth in advertising. No one wants something they didn't bargain on, in life, love or otherwise. We need to learn to respect honesty. As women, for some strange reason, we weave these webs of deceit, even if we don't think about it. Misdirection becomes part of who we are. So why not change the way we are seen. We can start by being honest with ourselves about who we are deep down. If you aren't the greatest housekeeper or cook or you aren't a snappy dresser, then own it, because that is who you are. Sure some things can change if we work on them. I am sure there are personality traits we don't like in ourselves, but putting the blinders on and pretending that those flaws aren't there doesn't mean that is the actual case. You have to love who you are before you can love who you're with. So practice a little truth in what you are advertising, otherwise whoever is watching just may change the channel.

Monday, July 27, 2009

How Disney Screwed Us Up


When I was a little girl, I watched a lot of Disney movies. I mean a lot of Disney movies. The music and the spectacle of it all was amazing. I would sit there with my teddy all curled up on the couch watching Cinderella fall madly in love or Ariel leave her family to be part of Eric's world. I would dream of the day when I would find my prince, what he would look like and how much he would love me. I would imagine that the whole world would stop when the two of us would meet (cue the smoke effects and the music), we would stare in each other's eyes and we would just know.


I would play make-believe with my Barbie Dolls. Barbie would be me and Ken would be my mystery man. I would dress Barbie up in her wedding finest and Ken would meet her down the aisle. Off to their happily ever after in a pink corvette. But what happens after happily ever after? What if there is NO happily ever after? What if Barbie just made the biggest mistake of her life and she doesn't even know it yet? See, the trouble is, we are so damned snowed over the mere thought of falling in love and having a family that we don't see the flaws.


What flaws you ask? Too many to name in just one blog, honestly, but let's start with just the basics. Did you know that Ariel was 16 when she married Prince Eric? 16! Don't believe me? Go watch the movie, she says it herself. Do you remember being 16? Everything was life or death, everything had to happen right away or you just may explode. How in the high Hell are you supposed to believe that anyone can make a sound decision at 16 years old? The United States government wouldn't even trust you enough to vote, smoke, drink or rent a car how could you expect to commit to a marriage? Now I know what SOME of you are thinking, your grandma, your grandpa, or your great-aunt (whom ever) all got married young, and it worked! I will tell you what, my grandmother was 16 when she got married and she loved my grandfather until the day he died, but in this day and age, that is the exception. Today, life is faster paced, we live in the now and are constantly connected. Love takes time.


What about the prince? Do you really expect that one day a man is going to show up on his white horse and save you from your eternal slumber? Really? Honestly? No, I didn't think so. Princes, no matter how shiny and ruggedly handsome, are human and thus flawed. In these movies that we fell in love with as children, women fell in love with these men on sight and rushed off to get married. Sounds like lust to me, not so much in the love department. How can it be love? How can you love someone if you don't even know their mothers name, let alone how they want to raise their children. That right there is the fundamental problem: we expect happiness to fall in our laps without having to put forth any effort. We live in a world of quick fix diet pills and shakes, exercise equipment that promises with just 30 minutes a day we can all look like Jessica Biel. Let's be honest girls, if it won't work for your waistline, it CERTAINLY won't work for you love life. I am just amazed at the number of us that are disappointed when life just doesn't work that way. Even Prince Charming is human, just like you and just like me. He is flawed. And the real core of the issue is that you have to decide if those flaws are something you can live with.


Prince Charming, as he exists in movies, get this ladies, does not exist. There I said it. He is not going to be a tall, muscular, rich, plucky hero who is going to save you from the dragon or put a glass slipper on your foot. More likely, he will be the closest male friend you have. Someone you have known forever and would never even consider kissing, let alone marry. Someone who you can never imagine being with, but once you are with them, you could never imagine being without. Maybe he is the guy you have known since kindergarden that has been stuck in the friend zone so long that neither of you knows how to get him out. Maybe he is the goofy dork that tells you how pretty you look everyday. The point is, ladies, it's time to remove the rose colored glasses. Let's talk about love, and what we are doing wrong. Let's be honest about how we are tripping ourselves up with our own convoluted logic. The only way to grow is to learn. Crack open those books, girls, time to get crackin'.