Men Have Feelings?...Who Knew?

The thought came to me earlier this week as I was listening to my assorted girlfriends complain about how their respective men don't think about their feelings, that maybe we don't really consider the feelings of any of the men in our lives. Fathers, brothers, uncles, nephews, boyfriends and husbands, they all get to be victim of our accidental preoccupation with our feelings. Now, it's true that we are far better equipped to deal with letting emotions out into the world, but that simply does not mean that men don't feel at all. Little time passes in my life without hearing another friend complain about how her boyfriend doesn't care about her feeeeelings, or think about her feeeeelings, or ask her how she feeeeeels. Well, enough already. The table has turned ladies, it's time to think that maybe underneath the existing "rugged" and "manly" exterior there is someone who may honestly feeeeeel someway about something and you never bothered to ask.

News Flash!

The sensitive man exists...even if he may be in hiding. So let's think about this a little bit and consider the facts. When we are little girls, we are told to be honest. If something bothers you, just share it. You get a knee scrape and it hurts, it's okay to cry. It's okay because you're a girl, and girls are supposed to cry. That's just how these things work. Little boys, on the other hand (unless raised by a very nurturing mother, mind you) are told to "buck up" or "suck it up, boy, be a man." How can someone honestly think telling a sad four year old boy to "be a man" is a good idea? Did people really think that this wouldn't cause emotional damage to people? Now what we have is a bunch of grown men that instead of communicating what they feel, decide to pound it out in the gym or throw a few back with the boys. Then get rowdy and stupid until someone gets hurt which only results in the mocking the hurt person, telling them to "suck it up". Truly, a very vicious cycle.

This next part is aimed at all of the men that read this, even the ones that won't admit it. Big news, boys, it is okay to feel and/or cry if something bothers you. To be honest, I am not saying it's okay to cry about every little thing like you're watching "The Notebook", but still, if your dog dies or something awful happens it will not kill you to let it out by telling someone what's going on. Contrary to popular belief, women are NOT mind readers, so we may not actually be able to tell that when you are stomping around being somber and angry that there may be an actual issue. You have to tell us. Sometimes, just sometimes, we can give you a perspective that may change the way you see the problem. Maybe even help you solve it. We are generally pretty decent comforters as well, so just keep that in mind.

This is for the ladies: STOP EXPECTING YOUR MAN TO READ YOUR MIND! There, I said it. Damn...someone had to. I hate hearing about all of these relationship problems that we all have. We are constantly BEGGING our men to communicate with us, when we are just as guilty when it comes to telling them when there is a genuine problem. If he is doing something that annoys the hell out of you, tell him. If you had a rough day at work and need some quiet time, TELL HIM! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT proceed to sigh and roll your eyes. Most of all, do not say the dreaded phrase "if you don't know, then why should I tell you". Good lord, do you know how childish that sounds? This phrase that we are all guilty of using every once in a while is HURTFUL. This causes pain and confusion to someone that you say you love. That, ladies, is the opposite of good.

Long story short here, you have to think about what you feel when someone does something. If it hurts, try and make a point not to do it to someone else. Everyone has feels, even if they aren't the best at communicating that fact. Remember the golden rule, "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you". Follow that simple rule, and you will never go wrong.

The Cow, The Free Milk, and Why That's Bull

When I was young, I heard the phrase "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". I don't remember who told it to me, but it rings in my head. I have since heard this same phrase many times. Now I don't want to leave anyone in the dark, so lets break this thing down for you:

The first part of the phrase, "why buy the cow", translates roughly into "why marry the woman". The latter part of this, "when you can get the milk for free", basically means, "if she is going to have sex with you anyway". So let's look at this logically, women are cows. Awesome. I mean, honestly, what is this, 1900 and do I come with a dowery? I hope I am worth a decent plot of land, maybe some chickens or a sheep too...but i digress. What the hell is this teaching us? At an early age we are taught to believe that our self worth is dependent on if we are virgins or not. Now, this was all well and good when times were different, but with birth control and a more sexually liberal society, this is simply not the case anymore.

This also implies that men only get married for sex. That isn't so. Men have just as many emotional needs as women do, but they don't communicate them as much, and many times they don't even understand that they exist. It's more appropriate to say that men don't "get" their feelings as well as women do, so a lot of times they don't even know what's bothering them. For as many stigmas as there are for women, we have to consider the opposite is true for men, even just in the case of this one phrase. It makes women feel like they are only good for one thing and it makes men believe the same thing about themselves.

So what if there is a middle ground? What if, God FORBID, sex is important to women (GASP) and that having an emotionally fulfilling and meaningful connection is important for men. We take these archaic sayings and we repeat them, even in jest, and we perpetuate the cycle of believing that men are supposed to be stoic and unfeeling while women are supposed to be pure and virginal. Look around, this isn't the case anymore. Sage advice isn't to be found in the tired cliches of yesteryear.

As far as I can tell, women aren't waiting at home for the phone to ring with their hair in curlers. As women, I would like to think that we have evolved from that point in history. We no longer have to put up with a chauvinistic view on ourselves, we can rewrite what is thought of us. I, for one, do not want to have my granddaughter looking back at me thinking "how could she have let people treat her that way". The door swings both ways on this too. Men, you don't always have to be the problem solvers, the hunters, the big strong heros. You are allowed to feel things. Not all men are the same, contrary to popular belief. Not all men can be that strong, and conversely, not all women can stand idly by and wait for their lives to happen. You just need to be looking for your counter-part. Not necessarily someone that is that same as you, but someone that compliments who you are. Time to put the cliches where they came from, in the past.

Truth In Advertising

...we interrupt this blog for an important message...

Let's talk about the importance of honesty. Too often I hear stories of women acting like someone they are not in order in impress a man that may not like the real them. First date honesty is something that a lot of us don't think about. To many women, the idea of putting their best foot forward involves a convoluted back story of a woman that they most certainly are not. I know that I am guilty of doing this. You want to be cooler than you are, hotter, more attractive. But where does that get us? 6 months later and the truth comes out. If you are a girl that likes her sweatpants better than a skirt, or someone that likes ice cream more than salad, then don't present an incorrect picture. Don't show up to your first date in a mini skirt and killer heels and then just order a smattering of food (oh, no desert for me please, I'm stuffed) if you are just going to go home and be a different girl.

We prance around being perfect little women, doting on the men and falling all over them. If that isn't who you are, then who benefits from the lie? You have presented a false image, someone that does not exist, someone that you say that you are but most certainly are not. Once again, I will refer to movies. We see caricatures of the women we are supposed to be, starting further back than June Cleaver and even making appearances in T.V. and movies alike today.

I saw "The Ugly Truth" this weekend, and I have to say you can lose the message in that movie. Mike, the male lead played by Gerard Butler, is a supposed misogynist "educating" women on how to draw men in. Abby, the female lead played by Katherine Heigl, the over-neuortic control freak forced to work with him. Long story short she meets a man and has no idea how to get him, so Mike offers to help her catch him. WIth a little makeover Mike makes Abby a whole new girl. He tells her that men want women to be two people in one "the librarian and the stripper". She tries and it works! Then the crisis...(and if you haven't seen this movie yet, you may want to read on the next paragraph cause there is some serious spoiler alerting happening here) does this man that Abby wanted so badly actually like her, or just the presentation he was given. So she asks, and doesn't like the answer she gets. He likes that she doesn't need to control everything in her life, and with a heavy sigh, she tells him the truth. Long story short, you can't live the lie forever.

The fact of the matter is if he falls for you when you are someone you aren't, he's going to be confused when you flip the switch, and how is that fair? As far as I know, we all get pretty annoyed when a man presents one version of himself, but turns out to be a completely different person. Same thing applies to the reverse.

The truth is, there has to be truth in advertising. No one wants something they didn't bargain on, in life, love or otherwise. We need to learn to respect honesty. As women, for some strange reason, we weave these webs of deceit, even if we don't think about it. Misdirection becomes part of who we are. So why not change the way we are seen. We can start by being honest with ourselves about who we are deep down. If you aren't the greatest housekeeper or cook or you aren't a snappy dresser, then own it, because that is who you are. Sure some things can change if we work on them. I am sure there are personality traits we don't like in ourselves, but putting the blinders on and pretending that those flaws aren't there doesn't mean that is the actual case. You have to love who you are before you can love who you're with. So practice a little truth in what you are advertising, otherwise whoever is watching just may change the channel.

How Disney Screwed Us Up

When I was a little girl, I watched a lot of Disney movies. I mean a lot of Disney movies. The music and the spectacle of it all was amazing. I would sit there with my teddy all curled up on the couch watching Cinderella fall madly in love or Ariel leave her family to be part of Eric's world. I would dream of the day when I would find my prince, what he would look like and how much he would love me. I would imagine that the whole world would stop when the two of us would meet (cue the smoke effects and the music), we would stare in each other's eyes and we would just know.

I would play make-believe with my Barbie Dolls. Barbie would be me and Ken would be my mystery man. I would dress Barbie up in her wedding finest and Ken would meet her down the aisle. Off to their happily ever after in a pink corvette. But what happens after happily ever after? What if there is NO happily ever after? What if Barbie just made the biggest mistake of her life and she doesn't even know it yet? See, the trouble is, we are so damned snowed over the mere thought of falling in love and having a family that we don't see the flaws.

What flaws you ask? Too many to name in just one blog, honestly, but let's start with just the basics. Did you know that Ariel was 16 when she married Prince Eric? 16! Don't believe me? Go watch the movie, she says it herself. Do you remember being 16? Everything was life or death, everything had to happen right away or you just may explode. How in the high Hell are you supposed to believe that anyone can make a sound decision at 16 years old? The United States government wouldn't even trust you enough to vote, smoke, drink or rent a car how could you expect to commit to a marriage? Now I know what SOME of you are thinking, your grandma, your grandpa, or your great-aunt (whom ever) all got married young, and it worked! I will tell you what, my grandmother was 16 when she got married and she loved my grandfather until the day he died, but in this day and age, that is the exception. Today, life is faster paced, we live in the now and are constantly connected. Love takes time.

What about the prince? Do you really expect that one day a man is going to show up on his white horse and save you from your eternal slumber? Really? Honestly? No, I didn't think so. Princes, no matter how shiny and ruggedly handsome, are human and thus flawed. In these movies that we fell in love with as children, women fell in love with these men on sight and rushed off to get married. Sounds like lust to me, not so much in the love department. How can it be love? How can you love someone if you don't even know their mothers name, let alone how they want to raise their children. That right there is the fundamental problem: we expect happiness to fall in our laps without having to put forth any effort. We live in a world of quick fix diet pills and shakes, exercise equipment that promises with just 30 minutes a day we can all look like Jessica Biel. Let's be honest girls, if it won't work for your waistline, it CERTAINLY won't work for you love life. I am just amazed at the number of us that are disappointed when life just doesn't work that way. Even Prince Charming is human, just like you and just like me. He is flawed. And the real core of the issue is that you have to decide if those flaws are something you can live with.

Prince Charming, as he exists in movies, get this ladies, does not exist. There I said it. He is not going to be a tall, muscular, rich, plucky hero who is going to save you from the dragon or put a glass slipper on your foot. More likely, he will be the closest male friend you have. Someone you have known forever and would never even consider kissing, let alone marry. Someone who you can never imagine being with, but once you are with them, you could never imagine being without. Maybe he is the guy you have known since kindergarden that has been stuck in the friend zone so long that neither of you knows how to get him out. Maybe he is the goofy dork that tells you how pretty you look everyday. The point is, ladies, it's time to remove the rose colored glasses. Let's talk about love, and what we are doing wrong. Let's be honest about how we are tripping ourselves up with our own convoluted logic. The only way to grow is to learn. Crack open those books, girls, time to get crackin'.