The Idea of the "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"

I don't know if you watched the video in my post two days ago, but I HIGHLY recommend doing so before you read this, just so you understand where I am coming from. If you have watched it, then read on!

This is for all the crazy ex-girlfriends in the world. You know who you are, and most of us have been stamped with that inglorious name due to some random childish behavior. We have called too many times and hung up. (DAMN YOU, CALLER ID!) We have driven past his work to see if he is REALLY there. We have gotten insanely jealous of something that really meant nothing. (This, by the way, is how we ended up being the crazy EX girlfriend.) Too often we are all lumped into a category of mentally unstable and prone to fits of rage through no one's fault but our own. All stereotypes are made from an element of truth, and this is no exception. Many a male friend has asked me what the "deal" is with crazy behaviors like these, and I have to be honest, I rarely have a legitimate answer. So, like anyone that would want an answer, I went to someone that just may have it: my fiance. What makes him the source of all things female in my life? He is the youngest of 3 children, both of his elder siblings being of the female persuasion. So he got to see the teenage and young adult craziness at it's finest.

"I think it's the rather fun combination of societal programming, immaturity, insecurity and emotional thinking that forms the 'crazy-quilt' of young women in relationships. There is no one thing, it's just a stew of hot molten psycho. "

First off you have got to LOVE the term "crazy-quilt". I am adopting it as my own, thank you very much.

"It's happened to every girl I have ever known between the ages of 14 and 22."

This caused me to look back on my own self-made quilt of crazy. Sadly, I have to admit it's true. Looking back at my teenage and younger adult years, I was ripe with insecurity and acted in such a fashion that makes me cringe today. I know I have called so many times that my fingers hurt. And I know I have attempted to control situations that had nothing to do with me. So, why? Why would I put myself through that sort of hell, knowing full well that it will end badly if I keep it up? But that compulsion to know his every move just tugged at my stomach, causing me to press onward.

Now, I know that my mother cautioned my against this manic behavior, telling me that it would lead to disaster, but I knew better. (Lord, don't we all at that age?) I "knew" that if I gave him an inch of space that he would abandon me. Just like I "knew" that if I let him hang out with his friends, he would cheat on me. Oddly enough, this is just a self-fullfiling prophecy. The more we put that stranglehold on them, the further they run. There is such pressure early on in our lives to find a man and settle down. The best I can say is that the pressure cracks us when we are young and trying to MAKE it happen.

This is all well and good if you are 16, 17, 18, 19, etc, but what if you 26 and still pulling this garbage? That's where the problem lies. If you FREAK when you can't reach him and decide that he is OBVIOUSLY screening your calls and is breaking up with you, so you go out, get wasted and sleep with some other guy, there may be a problem. (I'm just sayin'!) This is the behavior that so many men loathe. This is what keeps them thinking that we are all the "crazy ex-girlfriend". (By the way, if he breaks up with you, going to his favorite hang out so you can "accidentally" bump into him is a really bad idea. DO NOT DO IT!) The trick to this is you can't make someone like you more than they do. If they are going to like you more, they have to come to it on their own. Calling them 97 times a day and hanging up, or "randomly" showing up at their house with a plate of their favorite meal is creepy, not cute. If you have to ask your ALL of your friends to find one that thinks what is most obviously a bad idea is a good idea, you should likely avoid said idea at all costs.

We all just want them to like us, but they will never like you if you aren't you. You are NOT a girl that sits by her phone, waiting for him to call, just in case he wants to hang out. If you are that girl, stop being that girl. He isn't calling for a reason. You have to be interesting on your own. Get a hobby. I don't care what it is. There are so many things to learn in this world. If you aren't into socializing, learn knitting or crochet. Okay, this isn't the coolest of hobbies, but it's something, right? I guess my point is, you aren't going to attract a man with a butterfly net and pin him down. You need to attract a man with who you ARE, and if even you don't like it, they why should he? There is a cool girl in all of us, we just need to find her and take her out for a spin. So go find YOUR inner cool girl and take her for a ride. You just may like who she is more than you thought!

What We Will Be Chatting About Tomorrow...

Watch this and learn!

Tomorrow we tackle passionate people and the need to listen

Love is NOT a Battlefield (Or a Game for that Matter)

We all know the infamous 80's anthem by Pat Benatar, crying out "We are young, heartache to heartache we stand! No promises, no demands...love is a battlefield." If that wasn't enough, Jordin Sparks has gotten into the game, declaring that "You better go and get your armor." There is a distinct problem with this though, love isn't supposed to be a battlefield, love is not a war. Love is supposed to enrich our lives, making us joyful for each day. Love should bring joy, not a tear. If love is hurting, I hate to say it, but you're doing something very wrong.

Everyday should not start with a fight, or turn into a fight, and if it does, it is time to figure out why. If there is love, there should be patience. If your partner is tired and stressed and snaps at you, it may not be in your best interest to start a fight over their attitude. Look deeper. How is work for them? Are there familial issues? Are they in pain? There can be any number of reasons for their behavior, but you can bet that the aim is not to inflict pain on you. If you listen to these songs, you may miss out on the bigger picture, the actual problem.

As an added bonus, I thought I may address another problem I have seen with younger girls and romance, that love is a game. I cannot stress how wrong this is. To use someone's heart or emotions for personal gain is immoral! How would you feel if someone manipulated you to get their way? If you are using your "wiles" to get your family, boyfriend, girlfriend or anyone to react a certain way, you are playing their love for you like it was a game.

You can watch any number of romantic comedies that have the heroine using her God-given assets to play men like puppets. Don't know what I am talking about? Go watch "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" and carefully watch Amy Adams character, Delysia. She flits from man to man using sex to get her apartment from one man and a part in a play from another man. She got so deep at climbing the metaphorical ladder, that she almost misses the forest for the trees. If someone becomes so obsessed with getting what they think they want, they may miss the chance to get what they need.

Deep down, people are "pack animals", we crave closeness to others like us, to manipulate those around you may lead to a deeper loneliness than any of us can comprehend. Be kind to those that you love, in all ways. Be understanding, because you never know when you will be having a bad day. The last thing you will want is to have to go and get YOUR armor.

The "C" Word

Sooner or later, this happens to almost all of us. We are floating through our lives as normal, content in our existence, when our partner uses five little words. "I slept with someone else". And in that moment, the universe cracks. Five words ago, everything was fine. Five words ago, I knew my heart was beating. Now what? Now, with a stunned look upon your face, you feel as though you can barely breathe. The damage is done. Where do you go from here? How do you look that person in the eyes anymore? How do you even go to sleep in the same bed? Can you? Is it possible to forgive such a heinous transgression? That answer can only be found by digging into your relationship. Some of the answers aren't pretty, but to heal, you have to know.

1) How long have you been together? Has it been a month, a year, a decade? This matters. If it's only been a month in the relationship and already they are involved with someone else on a physical level, then is it even worth patching up? The emotional tie isn't as strong as someone that has been together for nearly a decade. For that you have to weigh the pros and cons. You also have to ask yourself the next question.

2) How long has this been going on? Was it a one time screw up? Is it an affair with all the emotional tangles that go hand in hand with that? If it is only once, and you have history, then therapy may be in order (as well as time to heal so you can eventually forgive). Sometimes partners mess up big, but if there is an affair with someone that they have been involved with for any length of time, the questions get even harder.

3) Were they safe? Even if they say they were, please please please get tested right away at your physicians office. I cannot stress the importance of that. You have no idea what kind of person they may or may not have been with, and it is in your best interest to give yourself peace of mind.

4) Were you even emotionally well matched to begin with? There is the chance that you may not have even been right for each other, and that is what prompted them to stray. They may feel unsatisfied, hell you may be unsatisfied. That is in no way an excuse for the behavior, but it is a reason and an excellent jumping off point for the healing process.

5) Can you forgive them? You may think you can, but if you look as them and all you think is what happened you need to consider the idea that you may not be able to get over it. If that is that case, a trial separation and therapy may work. It is a huge emotional task to begin to forgive someone for that sort of betrayal, but if you want to make it work, it is possible.

If you have considered the idea of cheating on your partner, think of this question for yourself: Are you prepared to inflict that kind of damage for someone you care about? If you are no longer emotionally invested in the relationship, please consider telling them. In the grand scheme of things, breaking it off would be like yanking off a Band-Aid where an infidelity would be open heart surgery without anesthesia. This is someone you care/ed about. Heartache is easier to get over than heartbreak. You owe it to them to be honest.

The Importance of "Me" Before "We"

We are all guilty of it, being relationship crazy before our parents can even utter the word "hormone". We rush into the first relationship that we can, then break up over some nonsense, and wash, rinse, repeat. The stress we put on the "we" is astounding. Too often we are looking for our soul mate before we even know how we take our coffee. Girls desperately want to be a part of a whirlwind romance, losing ourselves in the idea of love rather than actually falling in love.

Most girls start dating in high school, and I am not saying there is anything wrong with that. Hell, I did that. Girls will spend most of high school worrying about if their boyfriend is cheating on them, or if their crush is interested, or crying in the bathroom because she is going through a break up. High school is a time for self discovery, not for the never ending tragedy that is young romance. When we are young, we don't even know the characteristics we value in our friends, let along someone we are dating.

For the record, I am not saying that we shouldn't date in high school. On the contrary, actually. I am saying we SHOULD date, and date a lot! The more people you know, the better you know yourself. If you pigeon hole yourself to one person all through high school, you miss knowing what you like to do, the things you enjoy, and even learning what you want to be! You find yourself creating all of your plans on the idea of spending time with someone, waiting to make plans with friend on the weekend so you know what "we" are doing. You then find yourself applying to the same school to be close to one another. Let look at the truth here, how many people actually stay together for a long while after high school? No one I know, and certainly not me.

By equally distributing your time with friends and different guys, you learn more about yourself. You find yourself being more involved in life, even learning who is worth spending time with. To learn your own personal strengths and weaknesses is one of the most important lessons we can learn before we decide to commit to one person.

Take a breath, and take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Like it or not, this is who you are stuck with until the day you die, you may as well know her. After all, she will be your best friend.

When It's Time To Leave, Just Leave

For me the hardest part of any relationship is knowing when enough is enough. Every partnership can have it's breaking point. When both people have been wracking their brains on how to make it work for months, even years, on end, then it may be time to part ways. This is never an easy thing to do, and it rarely is pretty. Some girls say that they want to remain friends with their exes, but that cannot always be the case. Sometimes the hurt is just too bad and you cannot forget that easily.

But how do you know when enough is enough? How do you know that it isn't a copout? Look back on your relationship, no matter then length, and it will be easier to tell than you may care to admit. The fights have progressively increased, getting more and more resentful over time. Your partner cannot meet your needs and you feel jilted. There can be a skewed amount of effort (one person trying harder than the other), and it weighs on them. If you feel that you have given all you can possibly give, and feel tapped out, it is likely time to move on to greener pastures.

So you decide its time to make a graceful exit, but how do you do that? Some say break it off quick, like removing a band-aid, and I tend to agree. Be honest about your feelings, but be tactful. This is someone that you once loved. You may even still love them, so to leave with kindness is the best way.

DO NOT BREAK UP IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS:

1 - Over an e-mail. This is cruel and impersonal. If you have even been so intimate as to kiss the other person, then you owe them an face to face explanation.

2 - Over a text message. This is even worse. You couldn't so much as take the time to turn on your computer to tell them the truth, you hid behind your phone.

3 - On Facebook/MySpace/Twitter. Do I really need to say that announcing your break up to the whole world BEFORE you have even told your partner is a bad idea? Yeah, I didn't think so.

4 - Have you friend, tell his friend, tell him. Too many times I have heard of spineless women start a game of telephone to break up with their boyfriends.

As a side note, a simple rule of thumb: If you don't have the strength to be honest and break up face to face, then don't date until you do. Life if full of unpleasantness, and hiding from it does not simply make it disappear. We all have to face life head on, because we only get one chance. There is no do-over.

The Thing About Excuses

In today's society, divorce is not only an option, its sadly more commonplace. People don't work as hard at staying together anymore, the moment there is even a tiny bit of resistance, we throw in the towels and call out the lawyers. It's tragic. It would be different if there were real issues, like someone was a habitual cheater or abusive in some way. It's not though. Things like money being tight or hating our jobs drive us from one another. We gave up before it even got tough. What does that mean for us as people? So what if you hate your job? I haven't met a single person that hasn't hated their job at one time or another. Money problems are something that almost everyone has to contend with, grown ups have debt. Big shocker there I know.

What is the point of all this? Simple really. We have turned in to people that make excuses to not try. Trying is hard, and can get ugly. It's easier to roll over and play dead than to sweat through the issues at hand. TALK IT OUT! If you are at the point in your relationship that you are deeply committed to one another, be it through marriage, living with one another or even with children, for the benefit of all involved, try to work it out. Nine times out of ten, issues can be worked through. If the problems run deep, it's okay to enlist the help of a professional. Therapists are not satan. They will not steal your soul then turn around and sell it on the black market to any idiot with a credit card. They are here to help. Sometimes just talking about your problems with someone removed from the situation can put things back in perspective, make things less scary.

Now, maybe I sound a little preachy, but I cannot stand to hear one more person tell me that they can't make their marriage work cause they are "tired of the stress" or "money is too tight" or "all we do is fight." I am not trying to say these aren't real problems, they are. These are not marriage ending problems that can never be worked through. These are not deal breakers.

Take a breath. Take a moment. Close your eyes. Remember why you started this journey in the first place. You may be glad that you did. There is someone that made you start down this path, get that in your mind before you go all in and you fold. Life is not a game of poker. You can't just walk away from the table when you are done losing. Sometimes you have to trudge through the bad to get to the good again. Life doesn't have a do-over, and there is no restart. It's time that we stop looking for the easy way out. It's time that we look to our grandparents, back when divorce wasn't an everyday word. Back when the vow meant something. Trying to make the little things make sense doesn't hurt, in fact, at this point it can only help.

Why Overboard is Underrated

You and your other have had a disagreement, over what it doesn't matter, but suffice to say that you haven't been giving them what they need to be happy. You vow to do better... but how? So you sit and think, as most women do...then you think and think and think and think. For good measure, you think some more. What did he MEAN?

Let's say that you aren't really what you would call a morning person...okay, that may be a bit of an understatement, you're really more of a zombie. So you wake up in a blur and you stumble through your morning in a series of grunts and nods. Your other on the other hand, is a bit better in the mornings. Without realizing it, you sit across from him, in his direct line of sight, and you never say good morning. Not even a nod or a grunt, just nothing. Well, he lets the day go by, and sits down with you that night and tells you he would really appreciate it if you acknowledged him a bit more when you woke up. He goes to bed, satisfied that he told you what was on his mind, you, on the other hand, stay awake.

While awake, you wonder, what does he actually mean? You examine the situation closely, turning it on every angle, thinking about the possibilities of each word. Could it mean that he just wants a simple kiss good morning? No, that can't be it, who would complain about that? Maybe he needs some doting. That sounds a little better. What if I made breakfast? Getting warmer... Cereal? No, anyone can make cereal! I'll make some eggs and bacon, toast with butter and coffee! I can do that EVERY morning, no problem!!

From there you drift asleep, happy with the changes you have set out to make. In the morning, your rise, your grand intentions still in your head. Off to the kitchen! You whip up a great breakfast which is met was a warm response. You have done well...

Or have you?

You have to refer to Occam's razor, which says, "all things being equal, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one." That isn't to say the effort isn't wonderful or appreciated, but it does pose a quandary, your intention to cook breakfast everyday (or whatever your personal situation may be) is very sweet, but unrealistic. People revert to old habits when setting lofty goals. You would be better suited to start small (ie - give that good morning kiss and have a little chat) rather than jump to big breakfast every morning. You will get bored, and you will stop doing this, only exacerbating the problem at hand: You aren't giving him the attention he needs in the morning.

No need to read between the lines with everything he said. It's pretty clear he just needs acknowledgement. Going overboard in situations like these only breeds more resentment in the end when the new GRANDER habit wears off. Besides, a little appreciation (and a little consideration) go a long way.

Know What You Want and Admit When They Aren't It

It's okay to admit that someone you love isn't the person you should be with. In fact, it takes a strong person to realize that love, no matter how much of it there is, may not be enough. It happens sometimes, in fact most relationships work that way. If that weren't the case, then we would all marry our first loves, true? The fact is, people change every day. We get new goals, new dreams and that may pull us in a different directions, and that fine. The hard part is knowing what you want and when the person you are with won't be the right one once you get there.

To know what you want from life is key to knowing who is right for you. So great, you all have the same tastes in movies and music, but what does that mean in the grand scheme of things? Its wonderful to have similar interests with the person you with, it's a great jumping off point, but like anything else in life, it just isn't that simple. There has to be more that just those interests. Things like children are far more important to discuss, because the last thing you want is to marry a man that wants seven kids when you barely even thought that having one was a good idea. And if you decide that you DO want kids, how do you want to raise them, in what religion, do you want private schooling, home schooling? You have to be unafraid to talk about hot button topics, things that can get ugly sometimes. People get scared to talk politics, religion, sex, abortion, and the death penalty; but it is SO important to know that even if you have differing views that you can live with their ideals and they can life with yours. Make sure you are clear before you decide to commit and it gets harder to get out.

So what if they have strong feelings on a subject that you just can't abide by (and not just "OMG!! He ACTUALLY likes :insert band name here:!!!! I just can't DEAL with that!), something that really bothers you to your core, you need to be honest with yourself. My uncle gave me some of the best advice I ever received about love and dating: "If you can't see yourself marrying him, then don't waste each others time." I know it's harsh, but it has been my guiding star through adolescence and into adulthood.

Be honest with yourself, and be honest with him. Don't lie about what you believe in just to be with him, because in the end it won't do either of you any good. If you have any questions on YOUR relationship, send them to:

thereisnoprince@hotmail.com

Mom Always Said Fight Nicely - Part 2

I was surprised when I realized how much I had to say on this topic. I suppose it's important to say that it is in my nature to be argumentative, and it has taken me years to try and break the habit. There is never perfection in this, and it will take the rest of my life to be better. With that in mind, I have always had a few simple beliefs when it comes to any argument, and I honestly think that these help the situation. These are just some personal rules I have set in order to attempt to better a crappy situation:

1) Do not fight in your bed room. Whether it be on the phone or in person, a fight needs to stay out of the place where you rest your head. If you argue where you sleep, it keeps the one room in the whole house that ought to be a sanctuary from actually being a safe place. Everybody needs a place where there can be peace. Fights are not so important that they have to take over your whole life. If there are children in your home, send them to their rooms, without showing that there is a problem, and quietly shut the doors. Which brings me to:

2) Don't let your children see you fight. It is VERY important that children don't have a reason to believe that there is unrest in their homes. Children don't speak about familial issues, and the last thing a child needs is to internalize feelings. This creates a whole mess of issues that they will need a therapist to sort out.

3) Try not to go to bed angry. I cannot express the importance of this one enough. Extreme emotions at bed time can cause a whole litany of problems from nightmares to ulcers. It's bad enough to to have a fight at all, but to take it to bed with you is too much. Some will say "The fight late at night, I can't finish it before I go to bed" or "I had work in the morning, I needed to sleep". This isn't true. The fact of the matter is you have the option to stay awake to try to resolve it. One hour less sleep may be worth a little peace of mind.

4) Forgive! You may be surprised that I have to bring this one up at all, but it's true. Many people cannot forgive the tiniest of errors. If a sincere apology has been made, accept it. In the end, both people involved will feel better, and the fight will end even quicker. There is no use in dragging things on forever, it's important to know when to let your anger go. The most important thing I can say to this is that everyone is guilty of having dragging these things out longer than they ought to be. Remember that the other person is just human and has feelings just like you. Wouldn't you want forgiveness if you apologized?

I know I have probably said enough on this already, spending nearly 2 pages writing on this topic, and it can be a bit of a downer. I also know I will likely revisit different aspects of this, because people have questions and everyone is different in the way they argue. I haven't said this before, but if anyone has any ideas they want to see here, e-mail me, I am up for talking about whatever anyone wants to hear. Until tomorrow!

Mom Always Said Fight Nicely - Part 1

Well, it was bound to happen. You have had a "fight" with someone you love, be it a friend, boyfriend, husband, wife, mother or father. The most important thing to understand is that every healthy relationship has fights. I know we all know someone that says "But me and (insert significant others name here) never fight." One of two things is possible here:

1) They are lying to you. That's right...l-y-i-n-g. Some people cannot STAND to lose face and will say the most insane thing to make you believe that they have a fairy tale life. They do not have a fairy tale life. All people

have problems, just some worse than others.

or

2) They actually don't fight. Contradicts #1, huh? Let me get a little more involved here. If they don't fight, they aren't communicating. Lack of communication is a relationship killer. In fact, in my own opinion, it can be the number one relationship killer. If you aren't telling your partner what is bothering you, how can they know? Right? Right.

It is natural to argue with people you love. People do it everyday. The key is to not let certain things happen when you are arguing. First, when someone else starts an argument either by pointing something out that you do that they don't like or even by a difference of opinion, try not to take it personal. It's important to try and remember it isn't a fight. Tell yourself that it is an argument. This will help keep you in a clear state of mind. Keep and even keel and try regulating the tone of your voice. Yelling will only exacerbate the situation.

Sometimes, this isn't possible, things escalate on their own and the argument morphs into a full blown fight for whatever reason. You have to remember that this person loves you, and though they may be saying things you don't like at this moment, this doesn't change who they are to you. The more passionate you are about the topic at hand, the harder this can be. The most important thing to think of is that this is occurring with absence of malice. Now, what does that mean exactly? It means that no matter what they are saying or even how they are saying it that they are not trying to be hurtful. Most likely they are as frustrated as you are, and whatever you are feeling is exactly what you are feeling.

It's entirely possible that at this point they are just trying to "win" the fight. People instinctively want to win. The thing to remember is that when it comes to fighting with your loved one, no one wins. It's less important to emerge the victor by clever wordplay or adequately placed blame on the other party than it is to end the fight. And really, how can you win when you know someone you love is now hurting over something you've said. Most fights really start for stupid reasons anyway, like saying "I hate when you smack your gum like that". No one can be "right" in a situation like that, because there is no real "right", there is only an opinion. In the end, whatever the reason the fight began, the reason it escalated and continued is the fault of BOTH parties involved. It takes two to tango, and you just can't fight with yourself without looking really strange. The concept of laying blame is the biggest cause for these things dragging on, and really, in the end does it MATTER who was at fault? Does knowing who is to blame fix anything? It is better to accept your own fault. Apologize. Always apologize. Recognize what you did to hurt the other person even if you didn't start it, because you can never move forward if there is an open wound.