Mom Always Said Fight Nicely - Part 2

I was surprised when I realized how much I had to say on this topic. I suppose it's important to say that it is in my nature to be argumentative, and it has taken me years to try and break the habit. There is never perfection in this, and it will take the rest of my life to be better. With that in mind, I have always had a few simple beliefs when it comes to any argument, and I honestly think that these help the situation. These are just some personal rules I have set in order to attempt to better a crappy situation:

1) Do not fight in your bed room. Whether it be on the phone or in person, a fight needs to stay out of the place where you rest your head. If you argue where you sleep, it keeps the one room in the whole house that ought to be a sanctuary from actually being a safe place. Everybody needs a place where there can be peace. Fights are not so important that they have to take over your whole life. If there are children in your home, send them to their rooms, without showing that there is a problem, and quietly shut the doors. Which brings me to:

2) Don't let your children see you fight. It is VERY important that children don't have a reason to believe that there is unrest in their homes. Children don't speak about familial issues, and the last thing a child needs is to internalize feelings. This creates a whole mess of issues that they will need a therapist to sort out.

3) Try not to go to bed angry. I cannot express the importance of this one enough. Extreme emotions at bed time can cause a whole litany of problems from nightmares to ulcers. It's bad enough to to have a fight at all, but to take it to bed with you is too much. Some will say "The fight late at night, I can't finish it before I go to bed" or "I had work in the morning, I needed to sleep". This isn't true. The fact of the matter is you have the option to stay awake to try to resolve it. One hour less sleep may be worth a little peace of mind.

4) Forgive! You may be surprised that I have to bring this one up at all, but it's true. Many people cannot forgive the tiniest of errors. If a sincere apology has been made, accept it. In the end, both people involved will feel better, and the fight will end even quicker. There is no use in dragging things on forever, it's important to know when to let your anger go. The most important thing I can say to this is that everyone is guilty of having dragging these things out longer than they ought to be. Remember that the other person is just human and has feelings just like you. Wouldn't you want forgiveness if you apologized?

I know I have probably said enough on this already, spending nearly 2 pages writing on this topic, and it can be a bit of a downer. I also know I will likely revisit different aspects of this, because people have questions and everyone is different in the way they argue. I haven't said this before, but if anyone has any ideas they want to see here, e-mail me, I am up for talking about whatever anyone wants to hear. Until tomorrow!

Mom Always Said Fight Nicely - Part 1

Well, it was bound to happen. You have had a "fight" with someone you love, be it a friend, boyfriend, husband, wife, mother or father. The most important thing to understand is that every healthy relationship has fights. I know we all know someone that says "But me and (insert significant others name here) never fight." One of two things is possible here:

1) They are lying to you. That's right...l-y-i-n-g. Some people cannot STAND to lose face and will say the most insane thing to make you believe that they have a fairy tale life. They do not have a fairy tale life. All people

have problems, just some worse than others.

or

2) They actually don't fight. Contradicts #1, huh? Let me get a little more involved here. If they don't fight, they aren't communicating. Lack of communication is a relationship killer. In fact, in my own opinion, it can be the number one relationship killer. If you aren't telling your partner what is bothering you, how can they know? Right? Right.

It is natural to argue with people you love. People do it everyday. The key is to not let certain things happen when you are arguing. First, when someone else starts an argument either by pointing something out that you do that they don't like or even by a difference of opinion, try not to take it personal. It's important to try and remember it isn't a fight. Tell yourself that it is an argument. This will help keep you in a clear state of mind. Keep and even keel and try regulating the tone of your voice. Yelling will only exacerbate the situation.

Sometimes, this isn't possible, things escalate on their own and the argument morphs into a full blown fight for whatever reason. You have to remember that this person loves you, and though they may be saying things you don't like at this moment, this doesn't change who they are to you. The more passionate you are about the topic at hand, the harder this can be. The most important thing to think of is that this is occurring with absence of malice. Now, what does that mean exactly? It means that no matter what they are saying or even how they are saying it that they are not trying to be hurtful. Most likely they are as frustrated as you are, and whatever you are feeling is exactly what you are feeling.

It's entirely possible that at this point they are just trying to "win" the fight. People instinctively want to win. The thing to remember is that when it comes to fighting with your loved one, no one wins. It's less important to emerge the victor by clever wordplay or adequately placed blame on the other party than it is to end the fight. And really, how can you win when you know someone you love is now hurting over something you've said. Most fights really start for stupid reasons anyway, like saying "I hate when you smack your gum like that". No one can be "right" in a situation like that, because there is no real "right", there is only an opinion. In the end, whatever the reason the fight began, the reason it escalated and continued is the fault of BOTH parties involved. It takes two to tango, and you just can't fight with yourself without looking really strange. The concept of laying blame is the biggest cause for these things dragging on, and really, in the end does it MATTER who was at fault? Does knowing who is to blame fix anything? It is better to accept your own fault. Apologize. Always apologize. Recognize what you did to hurt the other person even if you didn't start it, because you can never move forward if there is an open wound.