Love is NOT a Battlefield (Or a Game for that Matter)

We all know the infamous 80's anthem by Pat Benatar, crying out "We are young, heartache to heartache we stand! No promises, no demands...love is a battlefield." If that wasn't enough, Jordin Sparks has gotten into the game, declaring that "You better go and get your armor." There is a distinct problem with this though, love isn't supposed to be a battlefield, love is not a war. Love is supposed to enrich our lives, making us joyful for each day. Love should bring joy, not a tear. If love is hurting, I hate to say it, but you're doing something very wrong.

Everyday should not start with a fight, or turn into a fight, and if it does, it is time to figure out why. If there is love, there should be patience. If your partner is tired and stressed and snaps at you, it may not be in your best interest to start a fight over their attitude. Look deeper. How is work for them? Are there familial issues? Are they in pain? There can be any number of reasons for their behavior, but you can bet that the aim is not to inflict pain on you. If you listen to these songs, you may miss out on the bigger picture, the actual problem.

As an added bonus, I thought I may address another problem I have seen with younger girls and romance, that love is a game. I cannot stress how wrong this is. To use someone's heart or emotions for personal gain is immoral! How would you feel if someone manipulated you to get their way? If you are using your "wiles" to get your family, boyfriend, girlfriend or anyone to react a certain way, you are playing their love for you like it was a game.

You can watch any number of romantic comedies that have the heroine using her God-given assets to play men like puppets. Don't know what I am talking about? Go watch "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" and carefully watch Amy Adams character, Delysia. She flits from man to man using sex to get her apartment from one man and a part in a play from another man. She got so deep at climbing the metaphorical ladder, that she almost misses the forest for the trees. If someone becomes so obsessed with getting what they think they want, they may miss the chance to get what they need.

Deep down, people are "pack animals", we crave closeness to others like us, to manipulate those around you may lead to a deeper loneliness than any of us can comprehend. Be kind to those that you love, in all ways. Be understanding, because you never know when you will be having a bad day. The last thing you will want is to have to go and get YOUR armor.

The Importance of "Me" Before "We"

We are all guilty of it, being relationship crazy before our parents can even utter the word "hormone". We rush into the first relationship that we can, then break up over some nonsense, and wash, rinse, repeat. The stress we put on the "we" is astounding. Too often we are looking for our soul mate before we even know how we take our coffee. Girls desperately want to be a part of a whirlwind romance, losing ourselves in the idea of love rather than actually falling in love.

Most girls start dating in high school, and I am not saying there is anything wrong with that. Hell, I did that. Girls will spend most of high school worrying about if their boyfriend is cheating on them, or if their crush is interested, or crying in the bathroom because she is going through a break up. High school is a time for self discovery, not for the never ending tragedy that is young romance. When we are young, we don't even know the characteristics we value in our friends, let along someone we are dating.

For the record, I am not saying that we shouldn't date in high school. On the contrary, actually. I am saying we SHOULD date, and date a lot! The more people you know, the better you know yourself. If you pigeon hole yourself to one person all through high school, you miss knowing what you like to do, the things you enjoy, and even learning what you want to be! You find yourself creating all of your plans on the idea of spending time with someone, waiting to make plans with friend on the weekend so you know what "we" are doing. You then find yourself applying to the same school to be close to one another. Let look at the truth here, how many people actually stay together for a long while after high school? No one I know, and certainly not me.

By equally distributing your time with friends and different guys, you learn more about yourself. You find yourself being more involved in life, even learning who is worth spending time with. To learn your own personal strengths and weaknesses is one of the most important lessons we can learn before we decide to commit to one person.

Take a breath, and take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Like it or not, this is who you are stuck with until the day you die, you may as well know her. After all, she will be your best friend.

Truth In Advertising

...we interrupt this blog for an important message...

Let's talk about the importance of honesty. Too often I hear stories of women acting like someone they are not in order in impress a man that may not like the real them. First date honesty is something that a lot of us don't think about. To many women, the idea of putting their best foot forward involves a convoluted back story of a woman that they most certainly are not. I know that I am guilty of doing this. You want to be cooler than you are, hotter, more attractive. But where does that get us? 6 months later and the truth comes out. If you are a girl that likes her sweatpants better than a skirt, or someone that likes ice cream more than salad, then don't present an incorrect picture. Don't show up to your first date in a mini skirt and killer heels and then just order a smattering of food (oh, no desert for me please, I'm stuffed) if you are just going to go home and be a different girl.

We prance around being perfect little women, doting on the men and falling all over them. If that isn't who you are, then who benefits from the lie? You have presented a false image, someone that does not exist, someone that you say that you are but most certainly are not. Once again, I will refer to movies. We see caricatures of the women we are supposed to be, starting further back than June Cleaver and even making appearances in T.V. and movies alike today.

I saw "The Ugly Truth" this weekend, and I have to say you can lose the message in that movie. Mike, the male lead played by Gerard Butler, is a supposed misogynist "educating" women on how to draw men in. Abby, the female lead played by Katherine Heigl, the over-neuortic control freak forced to work with him. Long story short she meets a man and has no idea how to get him, so Mike offers to help her catch him. WIth a little makeover Mike makes Abby a whole new girl. He tells her that men want women to be two people in one "the librarian and the stripper". She tries and it works! Then the crisis...(and if you haven't seen this movie yet, you may want to read on the next paragraph cause there is some serious spoiler alerting happening here) does this man that Abby wanted so badly actually like her, or just the presentation he was given. So she asks, and doesn't like the answer she gets. He likes that she doesn't need to control everything in her life, and with a heavy sigh, she tells him the truth. Long story short, you can't live the lie forever.

The fact of the matter is if he falls for you when you are someone you aren't, he's going to be confused when you flip the switch, and how is that fair? As far as I know, we all get pretty annoyed when a man presents one version of himself, but turns out to be a completely different person. Same thing applies to the reverse.

The truth is, there has to be truth in advertising. No one wants something they didn't bargain on, in life, love or otherwise. We need to learn to respect honesty. As women, for some strange reason, we weave these webs of deceit, even if we don't think about it. Misdirection becomes part of who we are. So why not change the way we are seen. We can start by being honest with ourselves about who we are deep down. If you aren't the greatest housekeeper or cook or you aren't a snappy dresser, then own it, because that is who you are. Sure some things can change if we work on them. I am sure there are personality traits we don't like in ourselves, but putting the blinders on and pretending that those flaws aren't there doesn't mean that is the actual case. You have to love who you are before you can love who you're with. So practice a little truth in what you are advertising, otherwise whoever is watching just may change the channel.