The Idea of the "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"

I don't know if you watched the video in my post two days ago, but I HIGHLY recommend doing so before you read this, just so you understand where I am coming from. If you have watched it, then read on!

This is for all the crazy ex-girlfriends in the world. You know who you are, and most of us have been stamped with that inglorious name due to some random childish behavior. We have called too many times and hung up. (DAMN YOU, CALLER ID!) We have driven past his work to see if he is REALLY there. We have gotten insanely jealous of something that really meant nothing. (This, by the way, is how we ended up being the crazy EX girlfriend.) Too often we are all lumped into a category of mentally unstable and prone to fits of rage through no one's fault but our own. All stereotypes are made from an element of truth, and this is no exception. Many a male friend has asked me what the "deal" is with crazy behaviors like these, and I have to be honest, I rarely have a legitimate answer. So, like anyone that would want an answer, I went to someone that just may have it: my fiance. What makes him the source of all things female in my life? He is the youngest of 3 children, both of his elder siblings being of the female persuasion. So he got to see the teenage and young adult craziness at it's finest.

"I think it's the rather fun combination of societal programming, immaturity, insecurity and emotional thinking that forms the 'crazy-quilt' of young women in relationships. There is no one thing, it's just a stew of hot molten psycho. "

First off you have got to LOVE the term "crazy-quilt". I am adopting it as my own, thank you very much.

"It's happened to every girl I have ever known between the ages of 14 and 22."

This caused me to look back on my own self-made quilt of crazy. Sadly, I have to admit it's true. Looking back at my teenage and younger adult years, I was ripe with insecurity and acted in such a fashion that makes me cringe today. I know I have called so many times that my fingers hurt. And I know I have attempted to control situations that had nothing to do with me. So, why? Why would I put myself through that sort of hell, knowing full well that it will end badly if I keep it up? But that compulsion to know his every move just tugged at my stomach, causing me to press onward.

Now, I know that my mother cautioned my against this manic behavior, telling me that it would lead to disaster, but I knew better. (Lord, don't we all at that age?) I "knew" that if I gave him an inch of space that he would abandon me. Just like I "knew" that if I let him hang out with his friends, he would cheat on me. Oddly enough, this is just a self-fullfiling prophecy. The more we put that stranglehold on them, the further they run. There is such pressure early on in our lives to find a man and settle down. The best I can say is that the pressure cracks us when we are young and trying to MAKE it happen.

This is all well and good if you are 16, 17, 18, 19, etc, but what if you 26 and still pulling this garbage? That's where the problem lies. If you FREAK when you can't reach him and decide that he is OBVIOUSLY screening your calls and is breaking up with you, so you go out, get wasted and sleep with some other guy, there may be a problem. (I'm just sayin'!) This is the behavior that so many men loathe. This is what keeps them thinking that we are all the "crazy ex-girlfriend". (By the way, if he breaks up with you, going to his favorite hang out so you can "accidentally" bump into him is a really bad idea. DO NOT DO IT!) The trick to this is you can't make someone like you more than they do. If they are going to like you more, they have to come to it on their own. Calling them 97 times a day and hanging up, or "randomly" showing up at their house with a plate of their favorite meal is creepy, not cute. If you have to ask your ALL of your friends to find one that thinks what is most obviously a bad idea is a good idea, you should likely avoid said idea at all costs.

We all just want them to like us, but they will never like you if you aren't you. You are NOT a girl that sits by her phone, waiting for him to call, just in case he wants to hang out. If you are that girl, stop being that girl. He isn't calling for a reason. You have to be interesting on your own. Get a hobby. I don't care what it is. There are so many things to learn in this world. If you aren't into socializing, learn knitting or crochet. Okay, this isn't the coolest of hobbies, but it's something, right? I guess my point is, you aren't going to attract a man with a butterfly net and pin him down. You need to attract a man with who you ARE, and if even you don't like it, they why should he? There is a cool girl in all of us, we just need to find her and take her out for a spin. So go find YOUR inner cool girl and take her for a ride. You just may like who she is more than you thought!

Love is NOT a Battlefield (Or a Game for that Matter)

We all know the infamous 80's anthem by Pat Benatar, crying out "We are young, heartache to heartache we stand! No promises, no demands...love is a battlefield." If that wasn't enough, Jordin Sparks has gotten into the game, declaring that "You better go and get your armor." There is a distinct problem with this though, love isn't supposed to be a battlefield, love is not a war. Love is supposed to enrich our lives, making us joyful for each day. Love should bring joy, not a tear. If love is hurting, I hate to say it, but you're doing something very wrong.

Everyday should not start with a fight, or turn into a fight, and if it does, it is time to figure out why. If there is love, there should be patience. If your partner is tired and stressed and snaps at you, it may not be in your best interest to start a fight over their attitude. Look deeper. How is work for them? Are there familial issues? Are they in pain? There can be any number of reasons for their behavior, but you can bet that the aim is not to inflict pain on you. If you listen to these songs, you may miss out on the bigger picture, the actual problem.

As an added bonus, I thought I may address another problem I have seen with younger girls and romance, that love is a game. I cannot stress how wrong this is. To use someone's heart or emotions for personal gain is immoral! How would you feel if someone manipulated you to get their way? If you are using your "wiles" to get your family, boyfriend, girlfriend or anyone to react a certain way, you are playing their love for you like it was a game.

You can watch any number of romantic comedies that have the heroine using her God-given assets to play men like puppets. Don't know what I am talking about? Go watch "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" and carefully watch Amy Adams character, Delysia. She flits from man to man using sex to get her apartment from one man and a part in a play from another man. She got so deep at climbing the metaphorical ladder, that she almost misses the forest for the trees. If someone becomes so obsessed with getting what they think they want, they may miss the chance to get what they need.

Deep down, people are "pack animals", we crave closeness to others like us, to manipulate those around you may lead to a deeper loneliness than any of us can comprehend. Be kind to those that you love, in all ways. Be understanding, because you never know when you will be having a bad day. The last thing you will want is to have to go and get YOUR armor.

The Importance of "Me" Before "We"

We are all guilty of it, being relationship crazy before our parents can even utter the word "hormone". We rush into the first relationship that we can, then break up over some nonsense, and wash, rinse, repeat. The stress we put on the "we" is astounding. Too often we are looking for our soul mate before we even know how we take our coffee. Girls desperately want to be a part of a whirlwind romance, losing ourselves in the idea of love rather than actually falling in love.

Most girls start dating in high school, and I am not saying there is anything wrong with that. Hell, I did that. Girls will spend most of high school worrying about if their boyfriend is cheating on them, or if their crush is interested, or crying in the bathroom because she is going through a break up. High school is a time for self discovery, not for the never ending tragedy that is young romance. When we are young, we don't even know the characteristics we value in our friends, let along someone we are dating.

For the record, I am not saying that we shouldn't date in high school. On the contrary, actually. I am saying we SHOULD date, and date a lot! The more people you know, the better you know yourself. If you pigeon hole yourself to one person all through high school, you miss knowing what you like to do, the things you enjoy, and even learning what you want to be! You find yourself creating all of your plans on the idea of spending time with someone, waiting to make plans with friend on the weekend so you know what "we" are doing. You then find yourself applying to the same school to be close to one another. Let look at the truth here, how many people actually stay together for a long while after high school? No one I know, and certainly not me.

By equally distributing your time with friends and different guys, you learn more about yourself. You find yourself being more involved in life, even learning who is worth spending time with. To learn your own personal strengths and weaknesses is one of the most important lessons we can learn before we decide to commit to one person.

Take a breath, and take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Like it or not, this is who you are stuck with until the day you die, you may as well know her. After all, she will be your best friend.

When It's Time To Leave, Just Leave

For me the hardest part of any relationship is knowing when enough is enough. Every partnership can have it's breaking point. When both people have been wracking their brains on how to make it work for months, even years, on end, then it may be time to part ways. This is never an easy thing to do, and it rarely is pretty. Some girls say that they want to remain friends with their exes, but that cannot always be the case. Sometimes the hurt is just too bad and you cannot forget that easily.

But how do you know when enough is enough? How do you know that it isn't a copout? Look back on your relationship, no matter then length, and it will be easier to tell than you may care to admit. The fights have progressively increased, getting more and more resentful over time. Your partner cannot meet your needs and you feel jilted. There can be a skewed amount of effort (one person trying harder than the other), and it weighs on them. If you feel that you have given all you can possibly give, and feel tapped out, it is likely time to move on to greener pastures.

So you decide its time to make a graceful exit, but how do you do that? Some say break it off quick, like removing a band-aid, and I tend to agree. Be honest about your feelings, but be tactful. This is someone that you once loved. You may even still love them, so to leave with kindness is the best way.

DO NOT BREAK UP IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS:

1 - Over an e-mail. This is cruel and impersonal. If you have even been so intimate as to kiss the other person, then you owe them an face to face explanation.

2 - Over a text message. This is even worse. You couldn't so much as take the time to turn on your computer to tell them the truth, you hid behind your phone.

3 - On Facebook/MySpace/Twitter. Do I really need to say that announcing your break up to the whole world BEFORE you have even told your partner is a bad idea? Yeah, I didn't think so.

4 - Have you friend, tell his friend, tell him. Too many times I have heard of spineless women start a game of telephone to break up with their boyfriends.

As a side note, a simple rule of thumb: If you don't have the strength to be honest and break up face to face, then don't date until you do. Life if full of unpleasantness, and hiding from it does not simply make it disappear. We all have to face life head on, because we only get one chance. There is no do-over.

Why Overboard is Underrated

You and your other have had a disagreement, over what it doesn't matter, but suffice to say that you haven't been giving them what they need to be happy. You vow to do better... but how? So you sit and think, as most women do...then you think and think and think and think. For good measure, you think some more. What did he MEAN?

Let's say that you aren't really what you would call a morning person...okay, that may be a bit of an understatement, you're really more of a zombie. So you wake up in a blur and you stumble through your morning in a series of grunts and nods. Your other on the other hand, is a bit better in the mornings. Without realizing it, you sit across from him, in his direct line of sight, and you never say good morning. Not even a nod or a grunt, just nothing. Well, he lets the day go by, and sits down with you that night and tells you he would really appreciate it if you acknowledged him a bit more when you woke up. He goes to bed, satisfied that he told you what was on his mind, you, on the other hand, stay awake.

While awake, you wonder, what does he actually mean? You examine the situation closely, turning it on every angle, thinking about the possibilities of each word. Could it mean that he just wants a simple kiss good morning? No, that can't be it, who would complain about that? Maybe he needs some doting. That sounds a little better. What if I made breakfast? Getting warmer... Cereal? No, anyone can make cereal! I'll make some eggs and bacon, toast with butter and coffee! I can do that EVERY morning, no problem!!

From there you drift asleep, happy with the changes you have set out to make. In the morning, your rise, your grand intentions still in your head. Off to the kitchen! You whip up a great breakfast which is met was a warm response. You have done well...

Or have you?

You have to refer to Occam's razor, which says, "all things being equal, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one." That isn't to say the effort isn't wonderful or appreciated, but it does pose a quandary, your intention to cook breakfast everyday (or whatever your personal situation may be) is very sweet, but unrealistic. People revert to old habits when setting lofty goals. You would be better suited to start small (ie - give that good morning kiss and have a little chat) rather than jump to big breakfast every morning. You will get bored, and you will stop doing this, only exacerbating the problem at hand: You aren't giving him the attention he needs in the morning.

No need to read between the lines with everything he said. It's pretty clear he just needs acknowledgement. Going overboard in situations like these only breeds more resentment in the end when the new GRANDER habit wears off. Besides, a little appreciation (and a little consideration) go a long way.

Mom Always Said Fight Nicely - Part 2

I was surprised when I realized how much I had to say on this topic. I suppose it's important to say that it is in my nature to be argumentative, and it has taken me years to try and break the habit. There is never perfection in this, and it will take the rest of my life to be better. With that in mind, I have always had a few simple beliefs when it comes to any argument, and I honestly think that these help the situation. These are just some personal rules I have set in order to attempt to better a crappy situation:

1) Do not fight in your bed room. Whether it be on the phone or in person, a fight needs to stay out of the place where you rest your head. If you argue where you sleep, it keeps the one room in the whole house that ought to be a sanctuary from actually being a safe place. Everybody needs a place where there can be peace. Fights are not so important that they have to take over your whole life. If there are children in your home, send them to their rooms, without showing that there is a problem, and quietly shut the doors. Which brings me to:

2) Don't let your children see you fight. It is VERY important that children don't have a reason to believe that there is unrest in their homes. Children don't speak about familial issues, and the last thing a child needs is to internalize feelings. This creates a whole mess of issues that they will need a therapist to sort out.

3) Try not to go to bed angry. I cannot express the importance of this one enough. Extreme emotions at bed time can cause a whole litany of problems from nightmares to ulcers. It's bad enough to to have a fight at all, but to take it to bed with you is too much. Some will say "The fight late at night, I can't finish it before I go to bed" or "I had work in the morning, I needed to sleep". This isn't true. The fact of the matter is you have the option to stay awake to try to resolve it. One hour less sleep may be worth a little peace of mind.

4) Forgive! You may be surprised that I have to bring this one up at all, but it's true. Many people cannot forgive the tiniest of errors. If a sincere apology has been made, accept it. In the end, both people involved will feel better, and the fight will end even quicker. There is no use in dragging things on forever, it's important to know when to let your anger go. The most important thing I can say to this is that everyone is guilty of having dragging these things out longer than they ought to be. Remember that the other person is just human and has feelings just like you. Wouldn't you want forgiveness if you apologized?

I know I have probably said enough on this already, spending nearly 2 pages writing on this topic, and it can be a bit of a downer. I also know I will likely revisit different aspects of this, because people have questions and everyone is different in the way they argue. I haven't said this before, but if anyone has any ideas they want to see here, e-mail me, I am up for talking about whatever anyone wants to hear. Until tomorrow!

Mom Always Said Fight Nicely - Part 1

Well, it was bound to happen. You have had a "fight" with someone you love, be it a friend, boyfriend, husband, wife, mother or father. The most important thing to understand is that every healthy relationship has fights. I know we all know someone that says "But me and (insert significant others name here) never fight." One of two things is possible here:

1) They are lying to you. That's right...l-y-i-n-g. Some people cannot STAND to lose face and will say the most insane thing to make you believe that they have a fairy tale life. They do not have a fairy tale life. All people

have problems, just some worse than others.

or

2) They actually don't fight. Contradicts #1, huh? Let me get a little more involved here. If they don't fight, they aren't communicating. Lack of communication is a relationship killer. In fact, in my own opinion, it can be the number one relationship killer. If you aren't telling your partner what is bothering you, how can they know? Right? Right.

It is natural to argue with people you love. People do it everyday. The key is to not let certain things happen when you are arguing. First, when someone else starts an argument either by pointing something out that you do that they don't like or even by a difference of opinion, try not to take it personal. It's important to try and remember it isn't a fight. Tell yourself that it is an argument. This will help keep you in a clear state of mind. Keep and even keel and try regulating the tone of your voice. Yelling will only exacerbate the situation.

Sometimes, this isn't possible, things escalate on their own and the argument morphs into a full blown fight for whatever reason. You have to remember that this person loves you, and though they may be saying things you don't like at this moment, this doesn't change who they are to you. The more passionate you are about the topic at hand, the harder this can be. The most important thing to think of is that this is occurring with absence of malice. Now, what does that mean exactly? It means that no matter what they are saying or even how they are saying it that they are not trying to be hurtful. Most likely they are as frustrated as you are, and whatever you are feeling is exactly what you are feeling.

It's entirely possible that at this point they are just trying to "win" the fight. People instinctively want to win. The thing to remember is that when it comes to fighting with your loved one, no one wins. It's less important to emerge the victor by clever wordplay or adequately placed blame on the other party than it is to end the fight. And really, how can you win when you know someone you love is now hurting over something you've said. Most fights really start for stupid reasons anyway, like saying "I hate when you smack your gum like that". No one can be "right" in a situation like that, because there is no real "right", there is only an opinion. In the end, whatever the reason the fight began, the reason it escalated and continued is the fault of BOTH parties involved. It takes two to tango, and you just can't fight with yourself without looking really strange. The concept of laying blame is the biggest cause for these things dragging on, and really, in the end does it MATTER who was at fault? Does knowing who is to blame fix anything? It is better to accept your own fault. Apologize. Always apologize. Recognize what you did to hurt the other person even if you didn't start it, because you can never move forward if there is an open wound.

Men Have Feelings?...Who Knew?

The thought came to me earlier this week as I was listening to my assorted girlfriends complain about how their respective men don't think about their feelings, that maybe we don't really consider the feelings of any of the men in our lives. Fathers, brothers, uncles, nephews, boyfriends and husbands, they all get to be victim of our accidental preoccupation with our feelings. Now, it's true that we are far better equipped to deal with letting emotions out into the world, but that simply does not mean that men don't feel at all. Little time passes in my life without hearing another friend complain about how her boyfriend doesn't care about her feeeeelings, or think about her feeeeelings, or ask her how she feeeeeels. Well, enough already. The table has turned ladies, it's time to think that maybe underneath the existing "rugged" and "manly" exterior there is someone who may honestly feeeeeel someway about something and you never bothered to ask.

News Flash!

The sensitive man exists...even if he may be in hiding. So let's think about this a little bit and consider the facts. When we are little girls, we are told to be honest. If something bothers you, just share it. You get a knee scrape and it hurts, it's okay to cry. It's okay because you're a girl, and girls are supposed to cry. That's just how these things work. Little boys, on the other hand (unless raised by a very nurturing mother, mind you) are told to "buck up" or "suck it up, boy, be a man." How can someone honestly think telling a sad four year old boy to "be a man" is a good idea? Did people really think that this wouldn't cause emotional damage to people? Now what we have is a bunch of grown men that instead of communicating what they feel, decide to pound it out in the gym or throw a few back with the boys. Then get rowdy and stupid until someone gets hurt which only results in the mocking the hurt person, telling them to "suck it up". Truly, a very vicious cycle.

This next part is aimed at all of the men that read this, even the ones that won't admit it. Big news, boys, it is okay to feel and/or cry if something bothers you. To be honest, I am not saying it's okay to cry about every little thing like you're watching "The Notebook", but still, if your dog dies or something awful happens it will not kill you to let it out by telling someone what's going on. Contrary to popular belief, women are NOT mind readers, so we may not actually be able to tell that when you are stomping around being somber and angry that there may be an actual issue. You have to tell us. Sometimes, just sometimes, we can give you a perspective that may change the way you see the problem. Maybe even help you solve it. We are generally pretty decent comforters as well, so just keep that in mind.

This is for the ladies: STOP EXPECTING YOUR MAN TO READ YOUR MIND! There, I said it. Damn...someone had to. I hate hearing about all of these relationship problems that we all have. We are constantly BEGGING our men to communicate with us, when we are just as guilty when it comes to telling them when there is a genuine problem. If he is doing something that annoys the hell out of you, tell him. If you had a rough day at work and need some quiet time, TELL HIM! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT proceed to sigh and roll your eyes. Most of all, do not say the dreaded phrase "if you don't know, then why should I tell you". Good lord, do you know how childish that sounds? This phrase that we are all guilty of using every once in a while is HURTFUL. This causes pain and confusion to someone that you say you love. That, ladies, is the opposite of good.

Long story short here, you have to think about what you feel when someone does something. If it hurts, try and make a point not to do it to someone else. Everyone has feels, even if they aren't the best at communicating that fact. Remember the golden rule, "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you". Follow that simple rule, and you will never go wrong.

The Cow, The Free Milk, and Why That's Bull

When I was young, I heard the phrase "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". I don't remember who told it to me, but it rings in my head. I have since heard this same phrase many times. Now I don't want to leave anyone in the dark, so lets break this thing down for you:

The first part of the phrase, "why buy the cow", translates roughly into "why marry the woman". The latter part of this, "when you can get the milk for free", basically means, "if she is going to have sex with you anyway". So let's look at this logically, women are cows. Awesome. I mean, honestly, what is this, 1900 and do I come with a dowery? I hope I am worth a decent plot of land, maybe some chickens or a sheep too...but i digress. What the hell is this teaching us? At an early age we are taught to believe that our self worth is dependent on if we are virgins or not. Now, this was all well and good when times were different, but with birth control and a more sexually liberal society, this is simply not the case anymore.

This also implies that men only get married for sex. That isn't so. Men have just as many emotional needs as women do, but they don't communicate them as much, and many times they don't even understand that they exist. It's more appropriate to say that men don't "get" their feelings as well as women do, so a lot of times they don't even know what's bothering them. For as many stigmas as there are for women, we have to consider the opposite is true for men, even just in the case of this one phrase. It makes women feel like they are only good for one thing and it makes men believe the same thing about themselves.

So what if there is a middle ground? What if, God FORBID, sex is important to women (GASP) and that having an emotionally fulfilling and meaningful connection is important for men. We take these archaic sayings and we repeat them, even in jest, and we perpetuate the cycle of believing that men are supposed to be stoic and unfeeling while women are supposed to be pure and virginal. Look around, this isn't the case anymore. Sage advice isn't to be found in the tired cliches of yesteryear.

As far as I can tell, women aren't waiting at home for the phone to ring with their hair in curlers. As women, I would like to think that we have evolved from that point in history. We no longer have to put up with a chauvinistic view on ourselves, we can rewrite what is thought of us. I, for one, do not want to have my granddaughter looking back at me thinking "how could she have let people treat her that way". The door swings both ways on this too. Men, you don't always have to be the problem solvers, the hunters, the big strong heros. You are allowed to feel things. Not all men are the same, contrary to popular belief. Not all men can be that strong, and conversely, not all women can stand idly by and wait for their lives to happen. You just need to be looking for your counter-part. Not necessarily someone that is that same as you, but someone that compliments who you are. Time to put the cliches where they came from, in the past.