Why Overboard is Underrated

You and your other have had a disagreement, over what it doesn't matter, but suffice to say that you haven't been giving them what they need to be happy. You vow to do better... but how? So you sit and think, as most women do...then you think and think and think and think. For good measure, you think some more. What did he MEAN?

Let's say that you aren't really what you would call a morning person...okay, that may be a bit of an understatement, you're really more of a zombie. So you wake up in a blur and you stumble through your morning in a series of grunts and nods. Your other on the other hand, is a bit better in the mornings. Without realizing it, you sit across from him, in his direct line of sight, and you never say good morning. Not even a nod or a grunt, just nothing. Well, he lets the day go by, and sits down with you that night and tells you he would really appreciate it if you acknowledged him a bit more when you woke up. He goes to bed, satisfied that he told you what was on his mind, you, on the other hand, stay awake.

While awake, you wonder, what does he actually mean? You examine the situation closely, turning it on every angle, thinking about the possibilities of each word. Could it mean that he just wants a simple kiss good morning? No, that can't be it, who would complain about that? Maybe he needs some doting. That sounds a little better. What if I made breakfast? Getting warmer... Cereal? No, anyone can make cereal! I'll make some eggs and bacon, toast with butter and coffee! I can do that EVERY morning, no problem!!

From there you drift asleep, happy with the changes you have set out to make. In the morning, your rise, your grand intentions still in your head. Off to the kitchen! You whip up a great breakfast which is met was a warm response. You have done well...

Or have you?

You have to refer to Occam's razor, which says, "all things being equal, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one." That isn't to say the effort isn't wonderful or appreciated, but it does pose a quandary, your intention to cook breakfast everyday (or whatever your personal situation may be) is very sweet, but unrealistic. People revert to old habits when setting lofty goals. You would be better suited to start small (ie - give that good morning kiss and have a little chat) rather than jump to big breakfast every morning. You will get bored, and you will stop doing this, only exacerbating the problem at hand: You aren't giving him the attention he needs in the morning.

No need to read between the lines with everything he said. It's pretty clear he just needs acknowledgement. Going overboard in situations like these only breeds more resentment in the end when the new GRANDER habit wears off. Besides, a little appreciation (and a little consideration) go a long way.

Mom Always Said Fight Nicely - Part 1

Well, it was bound to happen. You have had a "fight" with someone you love, be it a friend, boyfriend, husband, wife, mother or father. The most important thing to understand is that every healthy relationship has fights. I know we all know someone that says "But me and (insert significant others name here) never fight." One of two things is possible here:

1) They are lying to you. That's right...l-y-i-n-g. Some people cannot STAND to lose face and will say the most insane thing to make you believe that they have a fairy tale life. They do not have a fairy tale life. All people

have problems, just some worse than others.

or

2) They actually don't fight. Contradicts #1, huh? Let me get a little more involved here. If they don't fight, they aren't communicating. Lack of communication is a relationship killer. In fact, in my own opinion, it can be the number one relationship killer. If you aren't telling your partner what is bothering you, how can they know? Right? Right.

It is natural to argue with people you love. People do it everyday. The key is to not let certain things happen when you are arguing. First, when someone else starts an argument either by pointing something out that you do that they don't like or even by a difference of opinion, try not to take it personal. It's important to try and remember it isn't a fight. Tell yourself that it is an argument. This will help keep you in a clear state of mind. Keep and even keel and try regulating the tone of your voice. Yelling will only exacerbate the situation.

Sometimes, this isn't possible, things escalate on their own and the argument morphs into a full blown fight for whatever reason. You have to remember that this person loves you, and though they may be saying things you don't like at this moment, this doesn't change who they are to you. The more passionate you are about the topic at hand, the harder this can be. The most important thing to think of is that this is occurring with absence of malice. Now, what does that mean exactly? It means that no matter what they are saying or even how they are saying it that they are not trying to be hurtful. Most likely they are as frustrated as you are, and whatever you are feeling is exactly what you are feeling.

It's entirely possible that at this point they are just trying to "win" the fight. People instinctively want to win. The thing to remember is that when it comes to fighting with your loved one, no one wins. It's less important to emerge the victor by clever wordplay or adequately placed blame on the other party than it is to end the fight. And really, how can you win when you know someone you love is now hurting over something you've said. Most fights really start for stupid reasons anyway, like saying "I hate when you smack your gum like that". No one can be "right" in a situation like that, because there is no real "right", there is only an opinion. In the end, whatever the reason the fight began, the reason it escalated and continued is the fault of BOTH parties involved. It takes two to tango, and you just can't fight with yourself without looking really strange. The concept of laying blame is the biggest cause for these things dragging on, and really, in the end does it MATTER who was at fault? Does knowing who is to blame fix anything? It is better to accept your own fault. Apologize. Always apologize. Recognize what you did to hurt the other person even if you didn't start it, because you can never move forward if there is an open wound.

Men Have Feelings?...Who Knew?

The thought came to me earlier this week as I was listening to my assorted girlfriends complain about how their respective men don't think about their feelings, that maybe we don't really consider the feelings of any of the men in our lives. Fathers, brothers, uncles, nephews, boyfriends and husbands, they all get to be victim of our accidental preoccupation with our feelings. Now, it's true that we are far better equipped to deal with letting emotions out into the world, but that simply does not mean that men don't feel at all. Little time passes in my life without hearing another friend complain about how her boyfriend doesn't care about her feeeeelings, or think about her feeeeelings, or ask her how she feeeeeels. Well, enough already. The table has turned ladies, it's time to think that maybe underneath the existing "rugged" and "manly" exterior there is someone who may honestly feeeeeel someway about something and you never bothered to ask.

News Flash!

The sensitive man exists...even if he may be in hiding. So let's think about this a little bit and consider the facts. When we are little girls, we are told to be honest. If something bothers you, just share it. You get a knee scrape and it hurts, it's okay to cry. It's okay because you're a girl, and girls are supposed to cry. That's just how these things work. Little boys, on the other hand (unless raised by a very nurturing mother, mind you) are told to "buck up" or "suck it up, boy, be a man." How can someone honestly think telling a sad four year old boy to "be a man" is a good idea? Did people really think that this wouldn't cause emotional damage to people? Now what we have is a bunch of grown men that instead of communicating what they feel, decide to pound it out in the gym or throw a few back with the boys. Then get rowdy and stupid until someone gets hurt which only results in the mocking the hurt person, telling them to "suck it up". Truly, a very vicious cycle.

This next part is aimed at all of the men that read this, even the ones that won't admit it. Big news, boys, it is okay to feel and/or cry if something bothers you. To be honest, I am not saying it's okay to cry about every little thing like you're watching "The Notebook", but still, if your dog dies or something awful happens it will not kill you to let it out by telling someone what's going on. Contrary to popular belief, women are NOT mind readers, so we may not actually be able to tell that when you are stomping around being somber and angry that there may be an actual issue. You have to tell us. Sometimes, just sometimes, we can give you a perspective that may change the way you see the problem. Maybe even help you solve it. We are generally pretty decent comforters as well, so just keep that in mind.

This is for the ladies: STOP EXPECTING YOUR MAN TO READ YOUR MIND! There, I said it. Damn...someone had to. I hate hearing about all of these relationship problems that we all have. We are constantly BEGGING our men to communicate with us, when we are just as guilty when it comes to telling them when there is a genuine problem. If he is doing something that annoys the hell out of you, tell him. If you had a rough day at work and need some quiet time, TELL HIM! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT proceed to sigh and roll your eyes. Most of all, do not say the dreaded phrase "if you don't know, then why should I tell you". Good lord, do you know how childish that sounds? This phrase that we are all guilty of using every once in a while is HURTFUL. This causes pain and confusion to someone that you say you love. That, ladies, is the opposite of good.

Long story short here, you have to think about what you feel when someone does something. If it hurts, try and make a point not to do it to someone else. Everyone has feels, even if they aren't the best at communicating that fact. Remember the golden rule, "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you". Follow that simple rule, and you will never go wrong.

The Cow, The Free Milk, and Why That's Bull

When I was young, I heard the phrase "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". I don't remember who told it to me, but it rings in my head. I have since heard this same phrase many times. Now I don't want to leave anyone in the dark, so lets break this thing down for you:

The first part of the phrase, "why buy the cow", translates roughly into "why marry the woman". The latter part of this, "when you can get the milk for free", basically means, "if she is going to have sex with you anyway". So let's look at this logically, women are cows. Awesome. I mean, honestly, what is this, 1900 and do I come with a dowery? I hope I am worth a decent plot of land, maybe some chickens or a sheep too...but i digress. What the hell is this teaching us? At an early age we are taught to believe that our self worth is dependent on if we are virgins or not. Now, this was all well and good when times were different, but with birth control and a more sexually liberal society, this is simply not the case anymore.

This also implies that men only get married for sex. That isn't so. Men have just as many emotional needs as women do, but they don't communicate them as much, and many times they don't even understand that they exist. It's more appropriate to say that men don't "get" their feelings as well as women do, so a lot of times they don't even know what's bothering them. For as many stigmas as there are for women, we have to consider the opposite is true for men, even just in the case of this one phrase. It makes women feel like they are only good for one thing and it makes men believe the same thing about themselves.

So what if there is a middle ground? What if, God FORBID, sex is important to women (GASP) and that having an emotionally fulfilling and meaningful connection is important for men. We take these archaic sayings and we repeat them, even in jest, and we perpetuate the cycle of believing that men are supposed to be stoic and unfeeling while women are supposed to be pure and virginal. Look around, this isn't the case anymore. Sage advice isn't to be found in the tired cliches of yesteryear.

As far as I can tell, women aren't waiting at home for the phone to ring with their hair in curlers. As women, I would like to think that we have evolved from that point in history. We no longer have to put up with a chauvinistic view on ourselves, we can rewrite what is thought of us. I, for one, do not want to have my granddaughter looking back at me thinking "how could she have let people treat her that way". The door swings both ways on this too. Men, you don't always have to be the problem solvers, the hunters, the big strong heros. You are allowed to feel things. Not all men are the same, contrary to popular belief. Not all men can be that strong, and conversely, not all women can stand idly by and wait for their lives to happen. You just need to be looking for your counter-part. Not necessarily someone that is that same as you, but someone that compliments who you are. Time to put the cliches where they came from, in the past.

How Disney Screwed Us Up

When I was a little girl, I watched a lot of Disney movies. I mean a lot of Disney movies. The music and the spectacle of it all was amazing. I would sit there with my teddy all curled up on the couch watching Cinderella fall madly in love or Ariel leave her family to be part of Eric's world. I would dream of the day when I would find my prince, what he would look like and how much he would love me. I would imagine that the whole world would stop when the two of us would meet (cue the smoke effects and the music), we would stare in each other's eyes and we would just know.

I would play make-believe with my Barbie Dolls. Barbie would be me and Ken would be my mystery man. I would dress Barbie up in her wedding finest and Ken would meet her down the aisle. Off to their happily ever after in a pink corvette. But what happens after happily ever after? What if there is NO happily ever after? What if Barbie just made the biggest mistake of her life and she doesn't even know it yet? See, the trouble is, we are so damned snowed over the mere thought of falling in love and having a family that we don't see the flaws.

What flaws you ask? Too many to name in just one blog, honestly, but let's start with just the basics. Did you know that Ariel was 16 when she married Prince Eric? 16! Don't believe me? Go watch the movie, she says it herself. Do you remember being 16? Everything was life or death, everything had to happen right away or you just may explode. How in the high Hell are you supposed to believe that anyone can make a sound decision at 16 years old? The United States government wouldn't even trust you enough to vote, smoke, drink or rent a car how could you expect to commit to a marriage? Now I know what SOME of you are thinking, your grandma, your grandpa, or your great-aunt (whom ever) all got married young, and it worked! I will tell you what, my grandmother was 16 when she got married and she loved my grandfather until the day he died, but in this day and age, that is the exception. Today, life is faster paced, we live in the now and are constantly connected. Love takes time.

What about the prince? Do you really expect that one day a man is going to show up on his white horse and save you from your eternal slumber? Really? Honestly? No, I didn't think so. Princes, no matter how shiny and ruggedly handsome, are human and thus flawed. In these movies that we fell in love with as children, women fell in love with these men on sight and rushed off to get married. Sounds like lust to me, not so much in the love department. How can it be love? How can you love someone if you don't even know their mothers name, let alone how they want to raise their children. That right there is the fundamental problem: we expect happiness to fall in our laps without having to put forth any effort. We live in a world of quick fix diet pills and shakes, exercise equipment that promises with just 30 minutes a day we can all look like Jessica Biel. Let's be honest girls, if it won't work for your waistline, it CERTAINLY won't work for you love life. I am just amazed at the number of us that are disappointed when life just doesn't work that way. Even Prince Charming is human, just like you and just like me. He is flawed. And the real core of the issue is that you have to decide if those flaws are something you can live with.

Prince Charming, as he exists in movies, get this ladies, does not exist. There I said it. He is not going to be a tall, muscular, rich, plucky hero who is going to save you from the dragon or put a glass slipper on your foot. More likely, he will be the closest male friend you have. Someone you have known forever and would never even consider kissing, let alone marry. Someone who you can never imagine being with, but once you are with them, you could never imagine being without. Maybe he is the guy you have known since kindergarden that has been stuck in the friend zone so long that neither of you knows how to get him out. Maybe he is the goofy dork that tells you how pretty you look everyday. The point is, ladies, it's time to remove the rose colored glasses. Let's talk about love, and what we are doing wrong. Let's be honest about how we are tripping ourselves up with our own convoluted logic. The only way to grow is to learn. Crack open those books, girls, time to get crackin'.